First-gen university graduate

[adel9216]

anyone here a first-gen university graduate? how do you manage friendships/links with people you grew up with that are not in academia? have you lost friends along the way?

[sinenomine]

I am, as are many of the faculty where I teach. I'm not in contact with anyone from my pre-college or college days, but I don't think that's related to education. Many of my friends work outside academia, and my family members range from bemused to accepting of my academic life.

[the_geneticist]

I'm technically not a first-gen university graduate, but I'm the first to go to graduate school.  I've maintained friendships with my "not in academia" friends through shared hobbies & interests.  I like to cook, read, garden, hike, etc.  The harder split is with the friends who have kids & don't seem to have any other interests.  I've also made lots of new friends from my academic career, everything from friends I'd fly to see just for a social visit to the "conference buddies" that you want to grab a drink & catch up when you see each other.  Yes, it's harder to make friends as an adult, but it's still possible.  Not like when we were 5 and could say stuff like "I like penguins too!  Let's be friends!".

[mleok]

I am a first generation university graduate, but I went to an elite magnet high school, so essentially everyone I know from high school went to college. I keep in touch with them with Facebook.

[marshwiggle]

I am, as are many of the faculty where I teach. I'm not in contact with anyone from my pre-college or college days, but I don't think that's related to education.

This is like me.
Friendships require three shared elements:

• shared interests
• shared experiences
• shared context

When you live in the same place with people, and are at the same stage of life, you share all three of these. As you make changes, such as leaving home for education, you stop having new shared experiences and your move means you no longer have shared context, so friendships become more distant. The same thing happens with every life change (marriage, having kids, etc.) so that trying to maintain an old friendship will potentially involve increasing amounts of just reliving old times.

Sharing experiences and context with people pretty much means friendships are easiest with people geographically (and culturally, etc.) close to you.

[Kron3007]

I am a first-gen university grad, and most of my friends from high school did not go to university.  I was fortunate to find a faculty position near my home town and have kept in touch with many of them over the years.  I have lost many friends from that period for various reasons, but still hang out with some of them.

I think the key is that I dont define myself by my work, and when we hang out we rarely discuss work life.  They all know what I do for a living, but most of them dont actually know what it entails or what I do on a daily basis.  I discuss more details with some of them if they seem interested, but otherwise I avoid it and stick to other topics.  My wife is also not an academic, so I essentially live in two worlds.

Personally, this suits me well as it helps avoid talking excessively about work and helps me mentally separate from it.  I recall a job I had before university where I would hang out with my co-workers a lot and it often devolved into work talk.  I see this as the natural outcome of hanging out with co-workers, or worse, marrying one.   

[adel9216]

I am a first-gen university grad, and most of my friends from high school did not go to university.  I was fortunate to find a faculty position near my home town and have kept in touch with many of them over the years.  I have lost many friends from that period for various reasons, but still hang out with some of them.

I think the key is that I dont define myself by my work, and when we hang out we rarely discuss work life.  They all know what I do for a living, but most of them dont actually know what it entails or what I do on a daily basis.  I discuss more details with some of them if they seem interested, but otherwise I avoid it and stick to other topics.  My wife is also not an academic, so I essentially live in two worlds.

Personally, this suits me well as it helps avoid talking excessively about work and helps me mentally separate from it.  I recall a job I had before university where I would hang out with my co-workers a lot and it often devolved into work talk.  I see this as the natural outcome of hanging out with co-workers, or worse, marrying one.

This would be my ideal situation. I wish I could marry someone who is not an academic or not working in my field. It helps create a separation between personal life and work.

[mamselle]

The former dean of the theology school I adjuncted at a long time ago was married to a plumber.

They were happy then and so far as I know they are still happily married.

So there may be something in that.

M.

[apl68]

I'm technically not a first-gen university graduate, but I'm the first to go to graduate school.  I've maintained friendships with my "not in academia" friends through shared hobbies & interests.  I like to cook, read, garden, hike, etc.  The harder split is with the friends who have kids & don't seem to have any other interests.  I've also made lots of new friends from my academic career, everything from friends I'd fly to see just for a social visit to the "conference buddies" that you want to grab a drink & catch up when you see each other.  Yes, it's harder to make friends as an adult, but it's still possible.  Not like when we were 5 and could say stuff like "I like penguins too!  Let's be friends!".

Similar story here, though I'm no longer in academia.  For me the shared interests have mostly been church and other things having to do with the local community.  We have people with a very wide variety of education levels participating in our church and local community events.  My mother remained connected with the local community in these ways throughout the many years that she taught at the college level.  People are people.  Education level is only one of many aspects of any person's make-up.  I haven't found it a real barrier to making connections with others.  What's important is being involved in the lives of a variety of people around you, not just the people at work.

[rota1234]

I'm a first gen college grad, and the only Ph.D. in my extended family. I grew up in a low income, rural, and very conservative place where I felt very out of place despite a strong friend group.

I keep in touch with high school (former) friends on Facebook a bit, but there's not much to discuss other than music, generational things from the high school days, or memories. Some of them have relatable lives, but most seem like they are on a different planet. Most of those old friendships have disintegrated.

I spent college and grad school in a large city though and was able to meet a wide range of non-academic friends, most of whom are/were college grads at least.

[spork]

When I finished high school, I left my hometown and never looked back. I never had any interest in staying in touch with any of the people I grew up with, whether they did time in prison or not.

[marshwiggle]

The former dean of the theology school I adjuncted at a long time ago was married to a plumber.

They were happy then and so far as I know they are still happily married.

So there may be something in that.

M.

I can imagine if the dean started droning on about the trials and tribulations of academia, the plumber could return the "favour" by waxing lyrical about snaking out toilets which might encourage them both to give it up and talk about something of mutual interest. ( Or if the plumber is more likely to rant, the situation would work in reverse.)

Either way, that could be really useful for a couple where one member is prone to complaining about work day-in, day-out. The fact that their work lives are so different would make it easier to choose not to inflict them on each other.

[mamselle]

My sense was it worked because they were each really cool people who respected and liked each other and were always curious about things beyond their ken.

So maybe different career paths was just one of the differences they could enjoy.

(It didn't hurt that when the seminary went under, he still had a paying job, too.)

M.

[onehappyunicorn]

My older brother was the first one in my family to earn a degree, I was the second a few years later. I don't keep up much with friends from high school, we have gone in divergent paths and we don't have a lot in common now.  I came from a very blue-collar kind of town. Most of the people I went to school with are still living in that area and, for the most part, have dead-end jobs and little prospects.

[apl68]

The former dean of the theology school I adjuncted at a long time ago was married to a plumber.

They were happy then and so far as I know they are still happily married.

So there may be something in that.

M.

If they have any children, they'll grow up hearing about a variety of stuff, at least.  As I grew up hearing about masonry, on one hand, and school (and later college) teaching on the other.  One reason why I can converse easily with either people who do blue-collar work, or with academics.

I can imagine if the dean started droning on about the trials and tribulations of academia, the plumber could return the "favour" by waxing lyrical about snaking out toilets which might encourage them both to give it up and talk about something of mutual interest. ( Or if the plumber is more likely to rant, the situation would work in reverse.)

Either way, that could be really useful for a couple where one member is prone to complaining about work day-in, day-out. The fact that their work lives are so different would make it easier to choose not to inflict them on each other.