Favorite student emails

[apl68]

I'm currently serving as undergrad advising head for one of my programs, and getting many favorite emails, but this one hit just about every no-no there is (it was a fresh peep so I was gentle in my reeducation). 
Paraphrasing here -

Hi [Firstname]
I need to declare the major - how do I do that?** I need it for a scholarship that is due on the 9/30 so please respond immediately. I am available to meet with you all weekend.

 ** All the information they needed is in the section of the program website helpfully labeled "how to declare the major".

Other recent favorites include a student who emailed saying that they "urgently needed" to get off the waitlist for two advanced seminars in order to complete the major, and could I intervene with the professors since she had emailed them but they weren't responding?  I look the student up and she is in fact a junior not a senior, and has not taken a bunch of the other courses she need to take for the major yet, which are open. Nice dice buttercup.

"I am available to meet with you all weekend." 
Oh boy
I have a colleague that includes an assignment on how to email an instructor.  Every single time, he has to explain that we are not available 24/7, it's reasonable to wait 24 hours before expecting a reply, etc.

Or to put it another way:  "I'm not your mother."

[aside]

"I am available to meet with you all weekend." 
Oh boy

I've been seeing that one lately.  And things like "I know Monday is a holiday, but I can come by your office then."

[Langue_doc]

...so please respond immediately. I am available to meet with you all weekend.

I once had a potential student who emailed me the Friday before the Labor Day weekend demanding that I respond to her email "ASAP" to meet with her during the weekend. Stu was enrolled in a section that met earlier in the day, but wanted to switch to my section that met at 10. Stu was well aware that only the registrar's office could assign courses/sections, but thought that strong-arming me would somehow do the trick.

[the_geneticist]

Got a good one!

Good Morning,
My name is [last minute stu] and I am a student in your [baskets 101] lab [TODAY]. I wanted to email saying the following. As of this morning the [basket analysis] website was shut down due to a fire. I have attached a screenshot of the message that appears when opening the website. Our group was almost done with the project in it's entirety. We were planning on finishing up on the [basket analysis] so that we can collect the data and make two pie charts showing a comparison on [basket-y things]. But because we can't get our [basket data] anymore, we cannot finish the [basket analysis] of our project. Is there an alternative website to that that will allow us to progress with our project? Thank you in advance for your response.

"Almost done" except for the analysis that is the absolutely essential part of your presentation that is TODAY.  And they had time in class TWO WEEKS ago to finish. 

I sent them a link to a list of free [basket analysis] websites.  No idea what kind of computer they have so it's up to them to figure out which ones are compatible.

How much cheese will I need to go with the inevitable whine/wine?

[Puget]

"I am available to meet with you all weekend." 
Oh boy
I have a colleague that includes an assignment on how to email an instructor.  Every single time, he has to explain that we are not available 24/7, it's reasonable to wait 24 hours before expecting a reply, etc.

Yeah, this inspired me to have this conversation with the pre-orientation group I was leading this weekend (which included me pointing out that yes, I was currently working with students on the weekend, but that's the exception that makes the rule). They were surprisingly into this discussion, and did a pretty good job of brainstorming themselves about how to address the email, what info to provide, how long is reasonable, etc. Also a part of the discussion -- that they need to check their university email at least once a day.

[the_geneticist]

"I am available to meet with you all weekend." 
Oh boy

I've been seeing that one lately.  And things like "I know Monday is a holiday, but I can come by your office then."

They could try, but the building will be locked and I won't be there!

[the_geneticist]

Got a new one:

Good Evening Dr. [Geneticist],
I was writing you this email in regard to the final on Friday. Would it be possible to take it Thursday instead? My family is leaving for a cruise Friday morning and I would prefer to get it out of the way the day before. If there is anyway you can make that happen it would be so appreciated. Thank You so much in advance.

Sincerely,

[cruising stu]

I'd prefer you take it as scheduled.
Also, the exam is online. 

[apl68]

Got a new one:

Good Evening Dr. [Geneticist],
I was writing you this email in regard to the final on Friday. Would it be possible to take it Thursday instead? My family is leaving for a cruise Friday morning and I would prefer to get it out of the way the day before. If there is anyway you can make that happen it would be so appreciated. Thank You so much in advance.

Sincerely,

[cruising stu]

I'd prefer you take it as scheduled.
Also, the exam is online. 

Well...at least the student isn't asking to put off something like they so often seem to do.  Any other cruising student would have asked to postpone taking the exam until after the cruise.  Or even see whether there was a way to get out of doing it altogether.

[Langue_doc]

Got a new one:

Good Evening Dr. [Geneticist],
I was writing you this email in regard to the final on Friday. Would it be possible to take it Thursday instead? My family is leaving for a cruise Friday morning and I would prefer to get it out of the way the day before. If there is anyway you can make that happen it would be so appreciated. Thank You so much in advance.

Sincerely,

[cruising stu]

I'd prefer you take it as scheduled.
Also, the exam is online. 

Do you have a magic wand to turn Friday into Thursday?

[the_geneticist]

Got a new one:

Good Evening Dr. [Geneticist],
I was writing you this email in regard to the final on Friday. Would it be possible to take it Thursday instead? My family is leaving for a cruise Friday morning and I would prefer to get it out of the way the day before. If there is anyway you can make that happen it would be so appreciated. Thank You so much in advance.

Sincerely,

[cruising stu]

I'd prefer you take it as scheduled.
Also, the exam is online. 

Well...at least the student isn't asking to put off something like they so often seem to do.  Any other cruising student would have asked to postpone taking the exam until after the cruise.  Or even see whether there was a way to get out of doing it altogether.

The exam is tomorrow, they asked me yesterday.  If they were planning ahead for Fall & asked in Week 1, I'd be willing the work something out.

[waterboy]

Don't cruise ships have internet access these days?  Let them have a little exam fun on day 1 of the cruise.

[bio-nonymous]

"I am available to meet with you all weekend." 
Oh boy

I've been seeing that one lately.  And things like "I know Monday is a holiday, but I can come by your office then."

Ha, Ha! the funny thing we get is them wanting 24/7 access to us, but complaints (this happened a couple of years in a row after the pandemic) if we send out messages on weekends or outside of "business hours". The whole "customer is always right" and "bend over backwards to please the customer" aspect of the higher ed business model is silly. Wanting total access but yet not to be bothered when YOU don't feel like it is pretty presumptuous. When I send things out outside of "business hours" I am not expecting replies--just trying desperately to shorten my to do list...which, of course, is impossible to get done only during so-called business hours.

[the_geneticist]

Don't cruise ships have internet access these days?  Let them have a little exam fun on day 1 of the cruise.

Yes, cruise ships have internet.  Can you image the average person on a ship that DIDN'T have internet?  They would mutiny!
Stu can figure it out.

[Puget]

Got a new one:

Good Evening Dr. [Geneticist],
I was writing you this email in regard to the final on Friday. Would it be possible to take it Thursday instead? My family is leaving for a cruise Friday morning and I would prefer to get it out of the way the day before. If there is anyway you can make that happen it would be so appreciated. Thank You so much in advance.

Sincerely,

[cruising stu]

I'd prefer you take it as scheduled.
Also, the exam is online. 

This is why I have in bold on the syllabus "Non-emergency travel is NOT an excused absence. Per university policy final exams can only be given in their designated time slots. Do NOT book travel until the final exam schedule is posted!" Still, there is always at least one who thinks surely this does not apply to them.

[AmLitHist]

Got a new one:

Good Evening Dr. [Geneticist],
I was writing you this email in regard to the final on Friday. Would it be possible to take it Thursday instead? My family is leaving for a cruise Friday morning and I would prefer to get it out of the way the day before. If there is anyway you can make that happen it would be so appreciated. Thank You so much in advance.

Sincerely,

[cruising stu]

I'd prefer you take it as scheduled.
Also, the exam is online. 

Do you have a magic wand to turn Friday into Thursday?

If so, could we talk about you using it and taking me back to before I decided to enter academia (i.e., when I used to be happy and far less stressed)?