Favorite student emails

[Cheerful]

Sounds like someone who does not have strong English language skills.  If this is a native English speaker, there is no hope.

[Caracal]

I told the class IN PERSON and via the CMS websites that "I was copying a bunch of material from the previous semester and you should IGNORE all the announcements that pop up UNTIL I tell you the course shell is ready".

Less than 5-min later:  "I got a message that [assignment X] was due on 18Dec22.  Is that correct or is it a mistake on your part?"

Yes, sweetie, you missed an assignment that was due BEFORE this class started.  Buckle up.

Oh yeah, I get that kind of thing constantly. I think some students think of my class as a sort of Kafkaesque bureaucracy and don't understand that it's actually just me at the controls behind the curtain. If I say ignore what the CMS says, then ignore it.

[FishProf]

My current favorite:
"
Good Evening Professor,

I hate to be the guy who emails too much but I have a couple of questions. I took the [History of the world] quiz earlier today and didn't do to well. I listened to the 2 1/2 hr lecture and took a couple of notes and was not prepared for the questions. I focused on the content around [class title] figuring that would be the focus, and there wasn't a single question about them.

I spoke to another classmate [Becky] and she stated that all she has on her blackboard is the syllabus quiz and some PDF slides. I showed her this screenshot and she said she had none of it:"

I am a little gobsmacked at this.

1) What do you want me to do about it?
2) That's a HER problem, so MYOB.

[smallcleanrat]

My current favorite:
"
Good Evening Professor,

I hate to be the guy who emails too much but I have a couple of questions. I took the [History of the world] quiz earlier today and didn't do to well. I listened to the 2 1/2 hr lecture and took a couple of notes and was not prepared for the questions. I focused on the content around [class title] figuring that would be the focus, and there wasn't a single question about them.

I spoke to another classmate [Becky] and she stated that all she has on her blackboard is the syllabus quiz and some PDF slides. I showed her this screenshot and she said she had none of it:"

I am a little gobsmacked at this.

1) What do you want me to do about it?
2) That's a HER problem, so MYOB.

He says he has "a couple of questions" and then fails to ask a single one?

I'm wondering if the implied question for the statement about the quiz is how to prepare for the next one? Like, "I did such-and-such and it wasn't enough. What else should I be doing?" Although, if that's the case, it seems like he should be able to figure out his own answer: pay attention to the whole lecture and maybe take more than "a couple" of notes?

[the_geneticist]

I have a student was was absent in Week 1 and got the online make-up version of the lab worksheet.
They earned 8/20 points, mostly from not actually answering the questions.  They are begging for a second chance.

Can I can do a second attempt , is that not possible? I don't want my grade to be affected by this. Or maybe I can resubmit and you can still give me a late penalty ? Sorry I am just worried about my grade

Nope.

Welcome to college, student who is now learning that due dates & deadlines are real.

[AmLitHist]

I've had more late-adds this spring than usual, all emailing me with a version of, "I'll turn in the things I missed." I go heavy on graded work in the first two weeks, and I have a no late work policy for a reason: just because you couldn't get your s&%t together and register on time doesn't give you a free pass, and if you're just today emailing me to tell me (not ask) that you'll catch up everything by Monday, doesn't work for me.  (Besides, in 20+ years of teaching, I've had exactly TWO late-enrolling students who've ever passed any of my classes, not because of my policies, but because they're similarly unable to get their acts together enough to actually do/pass the work.)

[FishProf]

12Jan23 - I request accommodation forms from students.
16Jan23 - Classes start and I repeat request.

Yesterday I get this:

"Hello! This is [Name that does not match the roster] emailing you. I have a request to ask of you.  Can we set up a Zoom meeting to discuss me receiving extra time on my quizzes? I currently only have 15 minutes to take the quizzes. IN my Accommodation Letter (sent January 26th, 2023) It says I get extra time on my quizzes and exams.  I demand (emphasis mine) to know why I am not being granted accommodations."

CCd to my chair and the head of Student Services.

My reply (at exactly 24hrs later per my syllabus):  (Also CCd to my chair and the head of Student Services.)

"[Name on Accommodation Letter]

You should know that the BlackBoard accommodation system requires
putting in a time exemption for EVERY assignment, for EVERY student who
has an accommodation.  That takes some time.

It is, for you, now done.

How to tell if you are getting the extra time: For your accommodation, I
take the allotted time (say, 15 minutes) double it per the
accommodation, and THEN raise it to the next highest prime number.  So
15 minutes becomes 31, 20 minutes becomes 41.

For ALL quizzes, your time allowed should be a Prime Number.  If you
find on that IS NOT, don't take it.  Email me about it and I will fix it.

Best
Fishprof"

Just for Fun: Guess who wasn't in class the first week....

[the_geneticist]

Got this one today:

Hi Ms. [Geneticist]
I am emailing you to ask if I could take the biology midterm coming up before or after Friday. This Friday my family planned a trip and missing it would be devastating. I am okay with taking it anytime besides Friday.
[trip stu]

1. Wrong instructor, I am your [Basketweaving lab] instructor, not the [Intro to baskets lecture] instructor.
2. Dr. [actual instructor] doesn't reschedule exams for ANY reason.  They'll pro-rate your score out of the other exams if you had a documented emergency.
3. It would be even more devastating to earn a 0 on the exam.

Life is full of choices, choose wisely.

[Parasaurolophus]

Hi stu here. I hope u are fine. I just saw my quiz result and i re checked my answers and many of them are correct but over there its not correct. Its my humble request if u can recheck my quiz. Thank u

I dunno what they mean by 're-checked', but they're marked incorrect because they are incorrect.

[rhetoricae]

Hi stu here. I hope u are fine. I just saw my quiz result and i re checked my answers and many of them are correct but over there its not correct. Its my humble request if u can recheck my quiz. Thank u

I dunno what they mean by 're-checked', but they're marked incorrect because they are incorrect.

I once had a student who insisted, in email, that Blackboard was randomly marking correct answers as incorrect. When I explained that no one else (including me while testing the quiz) was experiencing this 'bug,' and noted a specific answer that was in fact incorrect, they stopped emailing me altogether and dropped a week or two later. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Caracal]

I've had more late-adds this spring than usual, all emailing me with a version of, "I'll turn in the things I missed." I go heavy on graded work in the first two weeks, and I have a no late work policy for a reason: just because you couldn't get your s&%t together and register on time doesn't give you a free pass, and if you're just today emailing me to tell me (not ask) that you'll catch up everything by Monday, doesn't work for me.  (Besides, in 20+ years of teaching, I've had exactly TWO late-enrolling students who've ever passed any of my classes, not because of my policies, but because they're similarly unable to get their acts together enough to actually do/pass the work.)

These are students who registered after the add drop period, or during it? I have to give special permission for anyone adding after the add drop period.

[AmLitHist]

I've had more late-adds this spring than usual, all emailing me with a version of, "I'll turn in the things I missed." I go heavy on graded work in the first two weeks, and I have a no late work policy for a reason: just because you couldn't get your s&%t together and register on time doesn't give you a free pass, and if you're just today emailing me to tell me (not ask) that you'll catch up everything by Monday, doesn't work for me.  (Besides, in 20+ years of teaching, I've had exactly TWO late-enrolling students who've ever passed any of my classes, not because of my policies, but because they're similarly unable to get their acts together enough to actually do/pass the work.)

These are students who registered after the add drop period, or during it? I have to give special permission for anyone adding after the add drop period.

Same here--these were all during add/drop week.  Like you, I'd have to accept late adds beyond that week, and I refuse to do so.

[Caracal]

I've had more late-adds this spring than usual, all emailing me with a version of, "I'll turn in the things I missed." I go heavy on graded work in the first two weeks, and I have a no late work policy for a reason: just because you couldn't get your s&%t together and register on time doesn't give you a free pass, and if you're just today emailing me to tell me (not ask) that you'll catch up everything by Monday, doesn't work for me.  (Besides, in 20+ years of teaching, I've had exactly TWO late-enrolling students who've ever passed any of my classes, not because of my policies, but because they're similarly unable to get their acts together enough to actually do/pass the work.)

These are students who registered after the add drop period, or during it? I have to give special permission for anyone adding after the add drop period.

Same here--these were all during add/drop week.  Like you, I'd have to accept late adds beyond that week, and I refuse to do so.

Hmm, I tend to think that if students add during add drop week, they should have an opportunity to complete assignments they missed before they joined the class. Our add drop period is too long, In our case, it's 10 days after the start of classes, which is just silly. Does anybody really reasonably need more time than a few days, and two class periods? However, I'm not in charge of the schedule and if the school is telling students they can still change classes, they should be able to do so and not start off with zeros on assignments. The student can't be responsible for things on the syllabus when they weren't enrolled. Why not just set them a date of three dates to complete everything and be finished with it?

[jerseyjay]

I've had more late-adds this spring than usual, all emailing me with a version of, "I'll turn in the things I missed." I go heavy on graded work in the first two weeks, and I have a no late work policy for a reason: just because you couldn't get your s&%t together and register on time doesn't give you a free pass, and if you're just today emailing me to tell me (not ask) that you'll catch up everything by Monday, doesn't work for me.  (Besides, in 20+ years of teaching, I've had exactly TWO late-enrolling students who've ever passed any of my classes, not because of my policies, but because they're similarly unable to get their acts together enough to actually do/pass the work.)

These are students who registered after the add drop period, or during it? I have to give special permission for anyone adding after the add drop period.

Same here--these were all during add/drop week.  Like you, I'd have to accept late adds beyond that week, and I refuse to do so.

Hmm, I tend to think that if students add during add drop week, they should have an opportunity to complete assignments they missed before they joined the class. Our add drop period is too long, In our case, it's 10 days after the start of classes, which is just silly. Does anybody really reasonably need more time than a few days, and two class periods? However, I'm not in charge of the schedule and if the school is telling students they can still change classes, they should be able to do so and not start off with zeros on assignments. The student can't be responsible for things on the syllabus when they weren't enrolled. Why not just set them a date of three dates to complete everything and be finished with it?

My experience is that students who add a course late are much more likely to fail the course. That said, correlation shouldn't be causation and I always try to give late-adding students a chance to make up the work. I think that it is wrong for an instructor to not allow students the chance to turn in work that they could not have done--or to put it another way, I think it is wrong for professors to penalize students for not turning in work they could not have turned in. I am pretty sure that

[Caracal]

Got an email last night from my chair, starting with asking me if I was ok and if there was any help she could provide. I'm fine....I think. The email goes on with a complaint from a student's parent that I've been repeatedly cancelling class and there was no class all last week, along with concerns about how the university is going to handle this. The thing is...I haven't cancelled a class yet this semester. I wrote my chair back asking if perhaps the parent had mixed me up with a different instructor. Chair wrote me back that no, this seems to be a case of a student (presumably one living at home) telling a parent that the reason they weren't headed into class in the morning was because I kept cancelling class, and that she suspects someone is about to have a very unhappy parent. I guess the student underestimated their parent's overinvovlement in college...