Handling career regrets

[paddington_bear]

As my university continues on life support, or at least in serious condition, every week it seems like I'm hit with career regret. It can basically be summed up with "Why didn't I try to leave as soon as I got here?" Or sometimes, "Why couldn't I have picked something other than the humanities?"  Hindsight is 20/20, of course, and maybe there's no way to predict the downturn in enrollment, the pandemic, rotating admin at my university, etc. But there's still a sense that moving on to the next university should have been something I considered once I got to Paddington U (21 years ago).  (I also feel like this is part of a larger mid-life crisis I've been over the past five or so years.)

What career regrets do people have? How have you made peace with them? If you haven't, how to handle that?

[downer]

I've had a share of disappointment and I've not accomplished as much as many of my peers in grad school.

It's definitely a sore spot, something I don't like thinking about much.

So I avoid thinking about it. I keep busy and I do things I enjoy.

I suspect that doing yoga regularly and some meditation occasionally help. Live in the present.

It is also important to be optimistic about the future, when you can. I know a fair number of people who have found work after their college closed. It takes some adaptability and enterprise. Most people have to move somewhere new. Or go into administration.

[mamselle]

Oh, my heavens. So many.

Many, many, many, in fact--but the point is to a) do your best day-to-day; b) learn from whatever you can about the situation; and c) move forward.

The regrets themselves don't do you much good unless you learn from them. What I've learned is to listen to my anxieties when I realize the situation is more dire than I first thought, and to get out as soon as the getting's good.

Sometimes that's not as soon as I might like, so the other thing is to pull in a bit, don't take stupidity personally (yours, or others') and germinate those tiny seeds of imagination and hope that appear when they appear.

Be grateful for your gifts--we are gifted superfluously, with far more than we need to be able to survive--and turn those jewels about and look at them from all sides, to see if there's a facet you hadn't yet polished that might be able to shine a bit more.

And most of all--forgive yourself. Many situations are soooo complex you could neither have foreseen them, nor solved them single-handedly.

Thank the situation for what it's given you, take some time to imagine what you'd like to be doing next, and find a way to do it.

You're not alone.

M.

[Ruralguy]

Although professionally I might have hoped to have moved on maybe about 1 rung higher than I am now, I met my wife here and we've made a family and life here, so no overall regrets. I wouldn't give up all that I have now just to go one rung higher, I can say that!

Related to that, I wish I could produce articles and do my R&R's faster, but such is life.

But my school, though not in dire shape, is worse off than a few years ago. what gives hope is that fundraising is much higher than before, and enrollments are likely to be higher than at least last year, and maybe several years ago. I am about 10 years from retirement, assuming inflation and war doesn't make my 401k into a 200.5 K  (actually I have a 403 b, but the joke doesn't work with 403 b, unless you are Elon Musk).

[arcturus]

I have regrets that I listened to some of the advice of some people.
I have regrets that I did not listen to some of the advice of some people.
If only I had known, back then, what advice was good advice!

Even if we have the same goal, we all have different paths. I try to be grateful for the things that did work out ok, and be forgiving (of myself and others) for those that did not. I have certainly had a different career path/trajectory than I hoped/expected when I started out. I remain hopeful that I will be able to continue to do research that is interesting to me (and to at least a few others) and to provide mentorship to outstanding students and junior colleagues.

[clean]

Here is what I tell myself.  TO the extent that this applies to you, then use it! 
NO REGRETS! 
First:  I dont make rash decisions. I think through things (maybe overthink them!).  It is a trait that allowed me to earn a PhD in the first place!  So Once I have made a decision, it is likely the best decision I could have made Given The INFORMATION set that was available at the time.  Certainly, additional information may have been revealed (unfolded) after I made the decision that indicates that another decision may have been better, but that was likely a matter of luck, not logic.

Second, dont do stupid things in the first place.  AS long as I continue to act thoughtfully, then there will be no reason for regrets.  I can not beat myself up for decisions that do not turn out as expected, given the luck.... I probably recognized the possibility of a poor outcome, but evaluated the risk worth doing.


Finally, HOW DO I HANDLE IT?
I have been preparing for retirement for several years. (IF you have not started, then now is the time!).  I have a count down timer!  (I am now 1019 days away from my target retirement date! )  I may not retire in 1019 days, but as long as my finances permit it, I might!

Can I put up with all of the administrivia and crap for another 1019 days?  Having an end point allows me to look up and not focus on the bad that is being imposed, but to be able to see the possibility of better things!  Even IF I continue to work after that Date, I will essentially be a ROAD scholar (retired on active duty).  Once I have the FREEDOM to leave, then they wont have as much power to cause me aggravation!

It is the feeling that I am trapped (for another 1019 days) that is the problem, not the work or the idiot admincritters that have been installed as my overseer.  Knowing that I have a date certain that I dont HAVE to put up with there BS, allows me to put up with it more easily!

I envision a day when they admincritters in charge decide to punish me by imposing some decree, and me saying, "Im not going to do that!!"


Here is a Real Life Example!! 
I worked at a for profit, private college before going to PhD school.  We had to apply for vacation time to be off during the quarterly breaks.  The Education Director was going to play a prank on one of my long time coworkers (who was already retired from the Navy), and DENIED his request for vacation!  The education director was shocked to hear that his prank backfired at first when my coworker replied, "Well, I guess I wont have to hurry back then!"   (so the prank backfired and he had to make sure that the coworker knew he was joking so that he DID come back!!)

Put yourself in a position that you dont have to "hurry back"!  Make a PLAN and implement it !  Even if you are late to start fully planning your retirement/escape route, Remember, "the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.  The second best time is NOW!" 
Reclaim the control over your life!!  The feeling of the lack of control is likely the biggest cause of the feeling of depression. 

I hope some of this helps!  Good luck!

[marshwiggle]

Here is what I tell myself.  TO the extent that this applies to you, then use it! 
NO REGRETS! 
First:  I dont make rash decisions. I think through things (maybe overthink them!).  It is a trait that allowed me to earn a PhD in the first place!  So Once I have made a decision, it is likely the best decision I could have made Given The INFORMATION set that was available at the time.  Certainly, additional information may have been revealed (unfolded) after I made the decision that indicates that another decision may have been better, but that was likely a matter of luck, not logic.

Absolutely. And to follow that:

Once I have made a decision, from then on my focus is how to make the best of the situation I am in. I have no idea how some other path I might have taken would have turned out. All I know is what decisions I can make today to move ahead from my current position.

I don't believe in things like "bucket lists", because life is always changing and many of the most rewarding experiences were unforseen or unforseeable, and many anticipated experiences were less rewarding in reality than in imagination.

In spiritual terms, practice gratitude, and be thankful for what you have today. As my mother drilled into me, "There are lots of people in the world who are much worse off than you." That is virtually ALWAYS true, unless you live in a war zone.

[dismalist]

Here is what I tell myself.  TO the extent that this applies to you, then use it! 
NO REGRETS! 
First:  I dont make rash decisions. I think through things (maybe overthink them!).  It is a trait that allowed me to earn a PhD in the first place!  So Once I have made a decision, it is likely the best decision I could have made Given The INFORMATION set that was available at the time.  Certainly, additional information may have been revealed (unfolded) after I made the decision that indicates that another decision may have been better, but that was likely a matter of luck, not logic.

Absolutely. And to follow that:

Once I have made a decision, from then on my focus is how to make the best of the situation I am in. I have no idea how some other path I might have taken would have turned out. All I know is what decisions I can make today to move ahead from my current position.

I don't believe in things like "bucket lists", because life is always changing and many of the most rewarding experiences were unforseen or unforseeable, and many anticipated experiences were less rewarding in reality than in imagination.

In spiritual terms, practice gratitude, and be thankful for what you have today. As my mother drilled into me, "There are lots of people in the world who are much worse off than you." That is virtually ALWAYS true, unless you live in a war zone.

Yup and yup and yup. There are no guarantees. One must take risks; some can be chosen.

There are worse things to do than listening to Edith Piaf on the subject: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoYHWgj1Gcs

[AvidReader]

I will always regret not having won a TT job in the Annual Humanities Employment Raffle, but I don't regret walking away from the underpaid full-time job I had last year, and I am glad I am no longer putting my spouse through the job market every fall. Rationally, I know that this is for the better, but that doesn't help the

I also regret that I wasn't more obsessive in my first year on the job market, when I had 6 requests for extra information that came only through Interfolio. Because I didn't know they wouldn't email me with requests, I didn't check Interfolio obsessively, and didn't see them until after the deadlines had passed. To add insult to injury, those requests remain in my Interfolio account, where I see them every time I log in.

I regret not going to library school, but a small part of me hopes that someday I'll still be able to go, even if only for pleasure.

I think I will always be sad about these things, but I can't live just for myself. I try not to dwell on them, and to take pleasure in life's other satisfactions, as much as I am able. To do otherwise would be unfair to the people I care about.

AR.

[mamselle]

My sister switched careers and got her MLS at age 47.

It's never too late!

M.

[Hegemony]

Whenever we're in an uncomfortable situation, we start to regret the decisions that got us there, even though those decisions often appeared to be wise at the time. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say.

But until they invent the time machine, we can't change that, so the only thing to do is to move forward with as much determination as possible. And to take care of ourselves in the present. I think the people who say they have zero regrets must have either unusually great lives or a lack of introspection. Certainly no one who regrets some decisions is alone in that feeling, even if a lot of people put their most cheerful face on things. But it's usually the case that our lives are mixed — we have some things we wish we'd done differently, and a lot of good stuff that turned out just fine. It's also normal to feel the presence of the regrets more keenly than the results of the good decisions, and that's a challenge that faces all of us: to keep the good stuff fully in mind. 

[dismalist]

I think the people who say they have zero regrets must have either unusually great lives or a lack of introspection.

No, I just know bygones are bygones. Sunk cost.

[mahagonny]

It took me 30 days to fully grasp the beauty of Claude Debussy's music. I woke up one morning, listened to the recording still in my head and thought 'oh. That's why it's called art. It's not life. It's something different.'
No matter what setback or pain befalls you the world has beauty in it if you just keep looking.
In the grand scheme of things, you are small, but easily big enough when you can experience great magnitude.

[secundem_artem]

As the song goes:  Regrets?  I have a few.  But then again, too few to mention.

If 20 yr old me knew where present day me would end up, he would not have believed it.  My goal has always been to make sure I used whatever tools or gifts God gave me as well as possible.  And I'm comfortable that I did that.

Where I have a few minor niggles is that I have always played by the rules, tried to be as selfless as possible, not caused trouble etc.  I do kinda wish I had misspent more of my youth - gotten drunk more often, smoked some more weed, tried LSD once, had a bunch of failed romances, gotten in a couple of fist fights.  But that was no more my nature then, than it is now.  So, overall, c'est la vie and I'm OK with it.

[downer]

I'm sure there are ways in which regret, grief, anger and envy are all irrational. The rational agent would not engage in those emotion processes.

But it turns out that humans are human.