terminal cancer

[research_prof]

p.s.

The cancer is absolutely inoperable and absolutely metastatic.  He has a 2% chance or less of making it five years.  The oncologist was very clear. He will not survive this.

I am really sorry to hear that. I will just mention again that you should not lose hope. From what I have seen and been told so far oncologists do not know much about what is operable or not. They simply know what the books say. They know that MD books say: "cancer X that has penetrated organ Y in this way is not operable". Oncologists (unless they are also trained surgeons) know what type of chemo a patient should be given. Some top ones could provide good guidance when it's time to do chemo or a surgery. But in general they are not the experts on whether something is operable. 

You should visit a surgeon. Surgeons will ask for CT scans/MRIs (you most probably have them already!) and draw a conclusion based on the situation of each individual patient. I really believe a visit to a top surgeon that specializes in this type of cancer might be helpful. And even top surgeons cannot know for sure what is going on inside a patient until the patient is in the operations room (scans are not 100% reliable or accurate), but they can draw a conclusion about whether anything can be done about a patient.

[Hegemony]

Remote teaching from Europe at the whim of the chair! I'm all for flexibility, but if colleagues are teaching remotely from Europe, there is no damn way you should be prohibited from teaching remotely.

I'm glad you have your associate chair and your trusted colleague as reasonable, decent people. I trust they'll go to bat for you. It's a relief that someone sane is in the equation.

Although I know people are trying to be sunny and optimistic over the chances of outlasting the doctor's forecast, I also know that the painful truth is that many dire forecasts are very accurate. If your husband defies the odds, it will be a delightful surprise. Meanwhile I'm glad you're planning as if things will be just as serious as forecast — that's the best way to take care of yourself as well as him.

I hope you can gather as many sources of support as is feasible. My friends who have been through this found cancer and/or caregiver support groups very helpful. The one I attended was not helpful, but I know many are, so maybe you can check out one that's local to you. And hard and awkward as it is, let everyone who offers to help do something. People feel a lot better when they can do something, however minor (picking up groceries, mowing grass, offering an ear or a cup of tea). And although we're just voices on the internet, we're here too.

[mamselle]

p.s.

The cancer is absolutely inoperable and absolutely metastatic.  He has a 2% chance or less of making it five years.  The oncologist was very clear. He will not survive this.

I am really sorry to hear that. I will just mention again that you should not lose hope. From what I have seen and been told so far oncologists do not know much about what is operable or not. They simply know what the books say. They know that MD books say: "cancer X that has penetrated organ Y in this way is not operable". Oncologists (unless they are also trained surgeons) know what type of chemo a patient should be given. Some top ones could provide good guidance when it's time to do chemo or a surgery. But in general they are not the experts on whether something is operable. 

You should visit a surgeon. Surgeons will ask for CT scans/MRIs (you most probably have them already!) and draw a conclusion based on the situation of each individual patient. I really believe a visit to a top surgeon that specializes in this type of cancer might be helpful. And even top surgeons cannot know for sure what is going on inside a patient until the patient is in the operations room (scans are not 100% reliable or accurate), but they can draw a conclusion about whether anything can be done about a patient.

R_p, that's not how it works. (I've worked in hospitals; surgeons do not trump oncologists: both, seeing mets all over the place, would say the same thing. Opening up a person with mets speeds up the spread by exposing them to oxygen; if you could persuade any surgeon in their right mind to do that, they'd immediately have to close them up and call hospice.) Let it go or take it offline.

Brego needs our support and affirmation in a serious situation. Playing it down is tone-deaf and unhelpful.

False hopes are distracting, and energy-draining, even just in expending energy to have to ignore them.

Let it go. True hope comes from facing whatever needs to be faced and moving forward.

Brego, we're here for you.

How can we help?

M.

[Brego]

Thank you, M.

Hegemony, you have always been lovely.  Thank you. 

Associate chair says it will be a tough sell.  Nobody has met the new dean yet (castle thunder).  Lot of movement in the provost's office, too.  And of course everyone is dreadfully unhappy that I have not surmounted decades of trauma and physical agony and finished my book. 

I've written to my dissertation advisor (always supportive), another well-known full prof in my field whom I trust, and my mentor - Oxbridge man who is the very top person in the field.  Hoping someone will have advice. 

For the time being I will see if I can get a part-time customer service phone job from home.  Going to need to save up money.  Husband and I are in the process of transferring everything into my name, etc.  And we are laughing and snuggling as much as we can. 

Will update as I have news. 

[Volhiker78]

I am very sorry about your situation.  I can't offer any advice regarding your job situation or the cancer diagnosis.  My daughter was a rape victim 18 months ago and was diagnosed with PTSD.  She started EMDR earlier this year and both she and I think it had been helpful.  It's not a miracle cure and she feels drained and down after a session but over the last 3 months, I've seen improvement.  Our insurance has covered it.  You might check it out if you haven't already tried it.  I wish you the best.

[spork]

I'm sorry that your spouse is dying.

I agree with Hegemony about your chair. If possible, try to document the arbitrary dispensation of online teaching accommodations and present the information to HR and administration. Demand that the tenure clock be temporarily suspended. Look for relevant provisions in the faculty handbook that you can cite. If you have a union, get it involved.

My wife had FMLA leave to care for a dying parent. FMLA is unpaid, but she was able to arrange a paid leave of absence for a semester. There are also situations when personal accrued paid sick leave can be applied to an FMLA situation. This depends on state regulations and policies of your specific employer. Speak to a knowledgeable person in HR. This might be helpful: https://www.dol.gov/sites/dolgov/files/oasp/legacy/files/paidleavefinalrulecomparison.pdf.

I know you are juggling lots of balls at the moment, but a cancer support group can be very helpful. The oncology clinic at whatever hospital your spouse is using should be able to provide contact info for a good group. The hospital might even run one in-house.

Edited to add:

I assume your university's current fiscal year ends June 30, which is why summer is the season for new administrators. I recommend pushing now for whatever accommodations you can get, rather than waiting. If you get a negative response, you can always try again with new admins later in the summer.

Your husband is going to need care and support during the fall semester. Sounds unlikely that this will happen in Mooville, given the current proximity of his medical team and high-quality care. I assume you are now living in his house with the mortgage. You do not want to be commuting back and forth. I think you should try to sublet the house in Mooville. Maybe there are new hires coming into town, find out if any are interested.

Disclaimer: I tend to be very proactive in this kinds of situations because I've learned the hard way that no one else is going to take the initiative. Talk to your husband about what he thinks.

[Unseen Academical]

I'm so sorry about your situation! A lot of good advice/ideas have already been shared, and I thought I would add a few more I have not seen (or missed).

A few things worth checking:

- When I needed to take FMLA, it was possible to use my sick leave for a paid FMLA. I don't know if this is true for everywhere. Some universities have shared sick leave programs where people who quit can donate their sick leave for others to use for paid leave (I did this when I left a job). If you work at one of these places, you can work with them to have a paid FMLA. HR will know whether this is the case. They are often not very forthcoming with this information until you specifically ask.

- Even if you don't have an FMLA bank program, FMLA can be partial, e.g. if you have enough sick leave to cover the equivalent of time for your teaching and service, you can negotiate with your dean to keep your paid research (or some of your courses that can be online) and use your sick leave as paid FMLA. So, your salary would be X% our job and Y% FMLA.   


It sounds like you need money for the summer, so here are some alternatives to part-time call center work/online sex work:

- Check around whether your university has small professional development funds (e.g. through the union) you can tap into for small summer stipends. You may be able to get something or even cobble together part of what you need.

- Can you borrow against your retirement funds? Some places allow this, and your HR will know the answer. Not ideal, but again, considering the alternatives, it may be worth it. 

- Sounds like you own a home – do you have enough equity to get a heloc loan (I think the minimum loan you need to get is around 15-20K and what you currently owe on the home and your loan cannot be more than 80-90% of your home value)? They are usually much lower APR than credit card or personal loans and you can pay them back over longer periods of time.

- If you have multiple cars and can downsize to just one car, used car prices are through the roof right now and it may be worth selling one. Would also help with cutting recurring costs like insurance.

- If you don't want to sell your car, then you can try to see if you can re-finance it. Again, the prices are very high, so you may have a much larger equity in it than you think, and you may be able to get some cash out in the refinancing process. Some places also offer skipping payments for a few months if you move your car loans there (both my FCUs offered this, but maybe banks offer them as well). This is not ideal either, so you may want to make sure to have gap insurance, but given your alternatives, this may work for you to give you breathing room.

- If you have major credit cards and a decent credit history, you may be able to get a personal loan (5K-15K) at a decent rate. You can usually check this and the details of their offer through your credit card's online portal without a hard check on your credit and then decide.

- Check around to see if your area community college(s) may need summer courses taught. I got teaching jobs doing this, and at CCs this is pretty normal. In fact, you may be able to teach in disciplines other than your main area of expertise (usually they need an MA and 18 credit hours in the field you want to teach in). You can also check online adjunct jobs at CCs – they are usually quicker to hire than universities and they usually offer online courses. If you are not on contract during the summer, usually it is ok to work for another institution, but check your university contract/regulations.

Also, sounds like you want to stay where you are due to better medical facilities and not go back to your university for now. I know it is not for everyone, but a full-time job at a community college at your current location may give you surprisingly excellent salary and benefits (including outstanding health insurance) as well as flexibility in teaching (some or all of your courses online) and getting paid for teaching overload courses. A CC would also not care whether you publish your book or not. CC searches are much faster and tend to focus on local applicants. If you can get a 2-year leave from your current university and find work locally, that may give you some room to concentrate on your spouse. In this sense, taking a specialized staff job, or a mid-executive job at a CC may also help you finding this flexibility. We often have a hard time filling these jobs with qualified applicants.

Hope you are able to find a solution that works for you right now and I wish you and your spouse all the very best! 

[poiuy]

Hi Brego:

I lurk a lot and almost never post on these fora, and used to do the same on the CHE fora.

I am really sorry for the multiple difficult situations you are facing, and that your Chair is being a how-to of what-not-to-do.

In addition to the other excellent suggestions you got, here is one more that may work for you.  If you take FMLA, that is without pay, i.e. you will not get a paycheck. Please keep in mind that you will have to pay your health insurance premiums out of your own pocket, because those are normally cut from your paycheck and if no paycheck then there is no way to cut that.

In my University which is a stingy state school in a red state, so you may have a similar provision, there is something called 'salary continuation'. There is an application that goes from you to your Chair who has to approve it and then route it up from Dean to Provost. This covers at least 1-2 months of your FMLA lost salary.

This can be really helpful if your Chair will be supportive. Maybe the Dean will be supportive and you can backtrack preemptively to your Chair to get that signature.

You said you are paying part of your parents' mortgage as they are elderly, disabled, and fixed-income. Will they qualify for any form of federal or state assistance? Moreover, banks sometimes are willing to suspend payments for a few months for people in exigent circumstances - but check this thoroughly as the bank will likely expect a full balloon payment of the entire sum owing when the suspended payment period is over. 

Can you and your parents get with a social worker who can help them navigate all this and other options for you?  And do the same for yourself and spouse?  The hospitals - especially large cancer hospitals - have such people on staff or can refer you to an appropriate person.  It would be really great to get 2-3 hours of time with a person who has this expertise and you just have to fill out the paperwork rather than do the research yourself.

I really hope that your Chair comes through for you with remote work options. 

The idea of micro-dosing your pending book manuscript (15 or 30 minutes a day) is great.  I have used this method through some really bleak times in my life and those small slices of time and output do add up, you make discernible progress, and feel less helpless.

I wish you and your spouse all the best.  I am so glad that you and he can spend time just loving each other. 

[AvidReader]

I am so sorry to hear about your husband, your unsupportive chair, and the numerous financial and other pressures that are burdening you at this moment. There is great practical advice on this thread and I hope first that your chair shapes up and second that you can find a balance between income and FMLA that will let you maximize your time with your husband. Keep laughing and snuggling. Savor this time above all.

Recent issues in my personal life, with parents rather than my spouse, have made me rethink some of my approaches to work vs. family. Debt is awful and soul-crushing, and dealing with that debt while grieving is also awful, but time with a loved one feels irreplaceable. In the very worst of circumstances, would it be worth it to you to accrue debt for a year to in order to have extra time with your husband? Or can you borrow against the value of his house and plan to sell it later?

My other comment is about your book. If you want to finish it this year (and it is okay if you don't--as everyone has commented, your chair is being completely unreasonable), do you have a colleague or academic friend (or several such) who might be willing to schedule shared writing time? I meet a colleague online regularly for a quick catch-up followed by an hour or two of writing: we set goals for each hour and check in periodically to report on our progress. Having the decompression of friendly conversation could be positive for you in the midst of what may be a very bleak year, and I have found that people respect my writing time more if I frame it as "meeting with a colleague" rather than "need two hours to write." You will need support and encouragement this year, and I hope you can find ways to seek it now and schedule it for some of the harder days.

AR.

[4evercurious]

Dear Brego,

I am so sorry to hear about what is happening. Poiuy and others gave excellent advice pertaining to oncology social workers and potential mortgage and other forms of assistance. I will add that your university's Title IX officer should be contacted immediately. They are legally empowered to investigate and assist with gendered/sex-based issues such as your need to provide caregiving for your spouse. They can also help you navigate the stop clock option and obtain an accommodation in terms of duty location. Title IX functions at a level higher than your Chair who will have to comply.

Good Luck!

[Brego]

Chair wrote.  I'm teaching remotely through August 2023.

Going to talk to the ombudsman about extending the tenure clock.

In answer to suggestions: I don't have a second car and  my car is long paid off; I'm hesitant to tap into the equity because I really don't want to take on more debt; the parental mortgage is in a relative's name and not mine or my parents; I've been trying to sublet the Mooville house with little success, since most students have acquired housing at this point.  There is no faculty union per state law.  Odds are I'll have to crowdfund money to pay for things like cremation. 

If I could somehow sublet the Moo house I'd be okay.

I appreciate those of you who've been helpful.

[Harlow2]

Brego, Just seeing this thread, and am relieved to see your last post with breathing space. I've been in this situation (before I was on the TT).  Spork and Poiuy's suggestions would have been helpful to me, and I hope you are able to find the support you need and deserve.  Thank you for keeping us posted.

[Morden]

Thank goodness you have the remote teaching through the 2022/2023 academic year. Is there a way to advertise the house for subletting to new faculty? You might ask who does new faculty orientation and see if they have a way to pass along the info.
Wishing you and your spouse strength together.

[spork]

Chair wrote.  I'm teaching remotely through August 2023.

Going to talk to the ombudsman about extending the tenure clock.

In answer to suggestions: I don't have a second car and  my car is long paid off; I'm hesitant to tap into the equity because I really don't want to take on more debt; the parental mortgage is in a relative's name and not mine or my parents; I've been trying to sublet the Mooville house with little success, since most students have acquired housing at this point.  There is no faculty union per state law.  Odds are I'll have to crowdfund money to pay for things like cremation. 

If I could somehow sublet the Moo house I'd be okay.

I appreciate those of you who've been helpful.

This might sound cold but it's coming from a place of sympathy and some similar personal experience:

The mortgage on your parent's house is your relative's responsibility.

Maybe you are already doing this, but the Mooville house needs to be advertised through a property management firm or real estate brokerage that handles rentals, rather than solely by word of mouth. A couple or family could rent it for a full twelve months at minimum. If you contract with a property manager, you will lose a percentage of the rent but you won't need to burden yourself psychologically with the hassle of being a landlord.

I say "at minimum" because it sounds like you hate Mooville and recognize that the job there isn't the golden, most often mythical, career in academe that it was presented as. Will you be inheriting your spouse's home? Does it have equity? Will mortgage P & I and tax payments be affordable after your husband dies? If the answers are yes, I would seriously start thinking about transitioning to another job, especially one that is outside of academia. This could be in your current location (you continue to live in the house you're in now) or elsewhere (you sell the house).

Edited to add: the above is an example of what my non-American wife calls "your people's habit of mansplaining."

[mamselle]

To piggy-back on that, some schools run small RE agency-like bulletin boards (physically or online or both) for people coming to do a year's research residency in an area where there are other schools, or are on sabbatical, etc.

Listing with them is often also an option. Some run house-swap connection boards as well as straight-out rental boards; other departments in your school may also have their own intranet sites for this--it's more common in the sciences than the humanities, by my observation, but that would mean you get someone more likely to be reliable and understanding about the need to keep the place up nicely.

And bondable.

M.