Romantic lives

[HappilyTenured]

Have any of you struggled to have romantic partners because you were an academic/Ph.D candidate?

I'm a first-gen university graduate and a woman. I have a successful career.

But I'm now looking into professional matchmaking services to find a romantic partner. I see this as my last chance at love.

I did try through traditional means for years, and it's just impossible. I get told all the time, "I want to get to know you, but I'm scared to talk to you." I'm also gifted and have Asperger's/Autism (formerly diagnosed by a neuropsychologist), and it seems too obvious to notice? Growing up, I experienced a lot of bullying because I just did not fit in wherever I'd go, and I still feel like this today.

Has anyone had similar experiences? My therapist and academic mentors say that my path is too "distinctive" from the people I know, and that's why all they see is my difference, even though I try to hide it/tone it down.

[research_prof]

Yes, for several years.

Others would simply not understand what a PhD student does and why I work so much. I was also an international student, so I saw prospective partners turning me down because of my accent, different culture, etc. I was using dating apps at that time until I found someone with a similar background to mine: had a PhD and used to be an international student as well. We have been together ever since, got engaged, and we are getting married soon.

I would say that your best bet is to find someone with a similar life/education/career path as yours. Such people are the most likely to understand who you are, where you are coming from, and why you act the way you act.

[downer]

What are professional matchmaking services? I've not heard of them.

Have you tried the dating sites for academics? Academic singles, educated singles, elite singles. I haven't but I'm curious about them.

[mamselle]

The Lonely Hearts thread has comments on this; I'll open it.

M.


EDIT: link

[Brego]

Happily Tenured -

That was once me, too.  I have been told that I'm intimidating, unlikeable, too butch, too masc, "not conventionally attractive" (my favorite).  I gave up on the idea of ever being partnered.  A year later, I met my husband.  He is smart enough for both of us.

It helps that he has a PhD.  Then again, he acts real cool. 

I should also add that the other great love of my life was a gorgeous person who was way out of my league.  They saw me for who I really was, and they loved me for it.  We would have had a family had they not been recalled to the great beyond.

It sounds cliché, but, sometimes it really does happen when you least expect it. 

[clean]

, sometimes it really does happen when you least expect it. 

Being a graduate student is a very selfish time. Even people in relationships when they started found that the relationship could not survive the pressures.  (Think about the advice about serving 2 masters...  The non-academic spouse just can not really understand that it is all encompassing. )

But graduation does not end the Time of Selfishness!  Once you start a career, you want to sink roots, and the only way to be 'rooted' is to be tenured, and you get only one try (an extended one, but you can never be sure until it is approved). 

I'm also gifted and have Asperger's/Autism (formerly diagnosed by a neuropsychologist), and it seems too obvious to notice?

I dont understand what is 'too obvious to notice".  If you have difficulty relating to people, that may make it more difficult to find someone to have a relationship that will provide you what you need.  However, Do NOT SETTLE!  Every Pot has a Lid!  Even Frying Pans can have Lids!  (As I used to think I too was a frying pan!)  Dont rush into things, and as was said above, When you Least Expect it...! 

[mamselle]

Just for balance, though, some people also come to realize that, for them, in not being partnered, they dodged a bullet.

I don't usually use the lid on my frying pan, for example, it makes the grease too hot...

;--}

But I realize this (and the LHC thread) are not based on that assumption...so I'll retire from the field.

M.

[Caracal]

, sometimes it really does happen when you least expect it. 

Being a graduate student is a very selfish time. Even people in relationships when they started found that the relationship could not survive the pressures.  (Think about the advice about serving 2 masters...  The non-academic spouse just can not really understand that it is all encompassing. )

But graduation does not end the Time of Selfishness!  Once you start a career, you want to sink roots, and the only way to be 'rooted' is to be tenured, and you get only one try (an extended one, but you can never be sure until it is approved). 

It can go both ways. Sometimes having responsibilities to other people  can keep you from burning out. There's still this monastic ideal in academia that suggests we should be dedicated to our work to the exclusion of everything else. There are times when you have to focus on your work and be selfish-and you want someone who can accept that, but it can be very centering to have someone around who isn't going to be ok with you saying "look, maybe we can do fun things in five years, but right now I need to work."

[ciao_yall]

Met my husband before internet dating. We both agree that, had we used eHarmony or other service, it would have automatically blocked us from one another. "STAY AWAY FROM THIS PERSON! YOU'LL KILL EACH OTHER!

Well, it's been 30 years and we are still alive, together, and getting along just fine.

[Wahoo Redux]

My cousin, now an M.D., and my other cousin, her sister, now with a doctorate in physical therapy, both had a terrible time attracting med.  My M.D. cousin actually told me that guys would come talk to her and her friends at the club but immediately made excuses when the guys found out that they were talking to a table of med students.

Some people find education very intimidating.

They both met their husbands on dating sites.  They both have children and healthy marriages and are very happy.

[financeguy]

I know the default assumption is that a male who isn't interested is "intimidated" but this isn't the case. A friend of mine was recently dating an MD who is successful. They're both in their 40s. He isn't "intimidated" by her success, but just doesn't want the lifestyle. He's a multi-millionaire from commercial real estate and generally wears jeans and a tshirt, spending a lot of his time at pro sporting events or comedy clubs. His monetary success is WAY higher but most wouldn't know it. He just doesn't want to follow someone around for a job or deal with a crazy schedule when he already put in the work to have a certain low stress lifestyle. He's dated other people in the "super successful" category with no problem because they complimented the lifestyle he was shooting for.

[spork]

[. . .]

I get told all the time, "I want to get to know you, but I'm scared to talk to you."

Probably 95% of the time this is a cop-out by men who feel insecure. The other 5% is probably an incorrect assumption that he and you don't have any shared interests.

My therapist and academic mentors say that my path is too "distinctive" from the people I know, and that's why all they see is my difference, even though I try to hide it/tone it down.

I think trying to hide who you are is a mistake. It's counter-productive in a relationship; you will feel unsatisfied or worse. The trick is finding someone with whom you can comfortably "be yourself."

In my case, I went on dates with many women whom I met via online platforms (Craig's List, OkCupid, etc.), after a disastrous ten-year relationship/marriage/divorce with someone I had met while a doctoral student. Some of these turned into pseudo-relationships that in the end went nowhere because of changing jobs and other life transitions. Then I met a fellow academic at work, and we've been very happily married for more than a dozen years.

There are potential partners out there. It can just take some time and effort to find them. I like matchmaking services and have often thought of getting into that industry.

You might like the movie Crossing Delancey.

[Kate]

Some more ideas.

Get yourself elected into university-level committees, and extend your circle of friends with folks from other departments.

Try to attend college-wide events. There surely be a meet-and-greet meeting at the end of August. Check your email.

[newprofwife]

A friend of mine (also a professor) did online dating and she searched for mates with PhDs. She ended up marrying another professor and they met online. My advice (and this might be horrible advice so thanks for taking it into consideration) is that you have to make getting married a goal and invest time in it. So you need to spend at least an hour on dating per week. You will probably date a lot of losers till you find the right match. Just keep dating and putting yourself out there. There are plenty of smart men out there who appreciate smart women. And there are also partnerships where the guy doesn't have as many degrees as his mate. It's a game's number and you won't find a companion if you stay home. You gotta go out and do things and actively date. Best wishes! 

[Myword]

   I question whether another academic is the best choice. As a man, I found that academic women were not much different than others and are even more choosy who they date. They were still materialistic and lacked interest in my field. No respect, especially. Some confuse it with psychology. So I dated non-academics without a college degree because their education is least important to me. I also heard lines like "you intimidate me, you're  above me". Or  "I will find a guy who can afford me" (like I can't). People close to your field will be nicer, depending how your autism appears to them.
  Never tried a matchmaker deal because I don't think dates are worth the money spent. Some men's numbers are not worth the paper written on, and men say the same about ladies. Brute honesty. It sounds like an uphill climb or a change in location.  None of us want to be the odd one out.