Romantic lives

[mamselle]

I was always impressed by the systematics theology dean who'd been happily married for a long time to a husband who owned a plumbing company.

I wants me one of them.

M.

[FishProf]

I was always impressed by the systematics theology dean who'd been happily married for a long time to a husband who owned a plumbing company.

I wants me one of them.

M.

A systematics theology dean or a plumber?
:)

[mamselle]

Hmmm......

M.

[AJ_Katz]

It doesn't sound like this applies to the OP, but it seems like many academics get into problems with romance because they think being a graduate student or professor is an achievement, so they go into the dating situation with a chip on their shoulder.  It's a career and it's a choice.  Sure, it takes jumping through hoops, but I think it's erroneous to broadly presuppose that education equals intelligence or value.  There are lots of highly intelligent people out there that are not in academia nor do they need to be in academia to be successful. 

Since it doesn't matter what someone's profession is to fall in love, my best advice is to not disclose one's profession when meeting for the first time.  Talk about hobbies, pets, aspirations, and interests instead.  If someone doesn't have something other than work to talk about, that might signal a problem in and of itself. 

Finally, meeting the right person can take time.  For some people it happens quickly, for others it does not.  While it can be exhausting to be on the dating scene, just consider every failed attempt practice for meeting the right one. It does not get easier as we get older either. 

Wishing the best of luck to the OP. 

[Ruralguy]

I can't see how profession would be any *less* important than discussing hobbies, family or where one lives. I certainly agree that there's a tendency for a lot of people to put too much emphasis on particular profession or one salary`, but as long as you treat it for what it is....a thing someone does, to which they can be extremely dedicated or maybe not so much, or any level in between. A lot of people with various jobs are intelligent, and plenty of professors are not too bright as far as I can tell.

[Caracal]

It doesn't sound like this applies to the OP, but it seems like many academics get into problems with romance because they think being a graduate student or professor is an achievement, so they go into the dating situation with a chip on their shoulder.  It's a career and it's a choice.  Sure, it takes jumping through hoops, but I think it's erroneous to broadly presuppose that education equals intelligence or value.  There are lots of highly intelligent people out there that are not in academia nor do they need to be in academia to be successful. 

Since it doesn't matter what someone's profession is to fall in love, my best advice is to not disclose one's profession when meeting for the first time.  Talk about hobbies, pets, aspirations, and interests instead.  If someone doesn't have something other than work to talk about, that might signal a problem in and of itself. 

I agree with the first part, but I tend to think avoiding all mention of your job would be pretty weird. "I've been meaning to check this place out, have you ever been here before." "No, I only moved here last year and I haven't really had a chance to explore?" Oh, where did you move from. "Athens, Ga. Man though it is so much harder here in Minnesota to grow tomatoes!" "Oh, did you come here for work." "Yep, it was hard at first with the tomatoes, but at least it has a good asian grocery store. I love cooking Thai food!" "Oh did you grow up in Athens? No, I was just there for school stuff for six years."

The person is probably going to decide you either work for a black-ops unit or a revenge porn company. If you're trying to get to know someone, whether platonically, or otherwise, it doesn't really matter that much what you talk about, the important thing is figuring out whether you like talking to each other. Work could be a perfectly fine thing to talk about as long as it was people talking about something they both wanted to talk about and not one person babbling on about something the other person had no interest in.

Also, the older I get, the more involved and boring my hobbies become, and the more I should avoid talking about them to most people. Seriously, anything beyond "I like gardening because it can go really wrong and everything is still ok," is going to end up with me complaining about how the deer eat my Asters even though they aren't supposed to like them for an hour.

[Antiphon1]

Honestly, it's not the job, academic program or the location that's usually the problem.  It's the expectations.  If you are looking for perfection, you're always going to be disappointed.  And most academics want to analyze the crap out of ideas including but not limited to why or why not someone is interested in having a relationship.  We're looking for our best option rather than looking for someone we want to share air with.  So get off campus, don't mention your job, and see what happens. 

I have no experience with either matchmakers or dating sites.  Both of those options make my BS-o-meter ring loud and hard.  Too much opportunity for catfishing and very selective sharing of information for my taste.  I know lots of folks have good luck with dating sites, but I also know lots of people haven't had any quality matches.  All apocryphal, of course. 

The key here is to be open to opportunity.  You really never know when, where, or how you'll meet someone.  Be optimistic and know whether or not you find a partner now, you can have a great time living in the moment.   

[Stockmann]

I think compatible worldviews, values and life goals are essential for being compatible life partners rather than similar resumes. My personal bias is that when me and my wife met, we had superficially almost nothing in common - we met at a book club, the person organizing it worked at my university but isn't an academic and it wasn't affiliated or sponsored by the institution, and most people who joined had no connections to it, including my now wife.  So marriages like the plumber company owner and the theology dean aren't unique and you should definitely consider something like it. I find some academics can be very snobbish about being an academic (that people who aren't are either not smart enough or too shallow, instead of just having other interests, etc). Personally, I often felt like the odd man out among academics, partly because at the time being early career means academics are mostly much older but also, and primarily, I often felt I didn't fit in with the local, departmental subculture and its values (at my current employer, I don't feel that way even though I'm still well below the median age). Also, my field is male-dominated, which always led me to believe that finding a partner had to be outside my field at least. On the other hand, academics from different fields don't necessarily get along. If you sat engineers and number theorists at the same table, you'd be wise to avoid having steak knives.
So my advice is to not just look at other academics or even other PhD holders, and try moving in different social circles. So join university activities outside your department, but also try to join activities that are separate from your institution and afford plenty of opportunity for socializing.

[AJ_Katz]

It doesn't sound like this applies to the OP, but it seems like many academics get into problems with romance because they think being a graduate student or professor is an achievement, so they go into the dating situation with a chip on their shoulder.  It's a career and it's a choice.  Sure, it takes jumping through hoops, but I think it's erroneous to broadly presuppose that education equals intelligence or value.  There are lots of highly intelligent people out there that are not in academia nor do they need to be in academia to be successful. 

Since it doesn't matter what someone's profession is to fall in love, my best advice is to not disclose one's profession when meeting for the first time.  Talk about hobbies, pets, aspirations, and interests instead.  If someone doesn't have something other than work to talk about, that might signal a problem in and of itself. 

I agree with the first part, but I tend to think avoiding all mention of your job would be pretty weird. "I've been meaning to check this place out, have you ever been here before." "No, I only moved here last year and I haven't really had a chance to explore?" Oh, where did you move from. "Athens, Ga. Man though it is so much harder here in Minnesota to grow tomatoes!" "Oh, did you come here for work." "Yep, it was hard at first with the tomatoes, but at least it has a good asian grocery store. I love cooking Thai food!" "Oh did you grow up in Athens? No, I was just there for school stuff for six years."

The person is probably going to decide you either work for a black-ops unit or a revenge porn company. If you're trying to get to know someone, whether platonically, or otherwise, it doesn't really matter that much what you talk about, the important thing is figuring out whether you like talking to each other. Work could be a perfectly fine thing to talk about as long as it was people talking about something they both wanted to talk about and not one person babbling on about something the other person had no interest in.

Also, the older I get, the more involved and boring my hobbies become, and the more I should avoid talking about them to most people. Seriously, anything beyond "I like gardening because it can go really wrong and everything is still ok," is going to end up with me complaining about how the deer eat my Asters even though they aren't supposed to like them for an hour.

Give it a try sometime!  Personally, I find it refreshing to not mention my occupation when meeting people for the first time.  It's really not as hard as you described.  Just say, "I moved around a lot for my job and really enjoy being in the area."  When they ask, "Oh, what do you do?", answer with something vague...  "I've been in education and teach science classes.  But I really love gardening and riding my mountain bike.  Do you have any hobbies?"

[apl68]

So marriages like the plumber company owner and the theology dean aren't unique and you should definitely consider something like it.

My father laid bricks on the neighboring campus across the street from the college where my mother taught for 25 years.  He built buildings on the one campus, she built a department on the other.  Their 60th anniversary is coming up next year.  Granted, they're not an ordinary mason and academic--he also pastored a church, and she was a schoolteacher for the first part of her career.  Which I guess goes to show that none of us has to be defined entirely by one particular career.

[Sun_Worshiper]

I don't know about not mentioning what you do - that is a big part of who you are. If someone is going to reject you because they are intimidated by your profession, then you might as well get it out of the way early so you don't waste time.

My advice to op is to be persistent in dating and be open to people that do not seem superficially to be your type. Internet/app dating has changed things a lot, but it also opens up new avenues to meet people and everyone is doing it, so embrace it!

[mamselle]

The urge to define oneself and others by occupation is very "American," as my French, German, and British buddies have reminded me for the past 50 years.

I've come back deliberately avoiding the question, "So what do you do?" for months, sometimes, only to hear myself ask it at, say, a dance or someplace, later, unintentionally, and realize, "Oops, I'm really back, now..."

M.

[marshwiggle]

I don't know about not mentioning what you do - that is a big part of who you are. If someone is going to reject you because they are intimidated by your profession, then you might as well get it out of the way early so you don't waste time.

Regarding being "intimidated" by someone's profession:

I like pets. We had a dog when I was growing up. I enjoy playing with dogs and cats.

However

I have no interest in owning a pet.
The logistics of owning a pet make it not worth it to me.

• I don't want to have to find pet-sitters for my vacation.
• I don't want to scoop poop or empty cat litter.
• I don't want to vacuum furniture, carpets, etc. for pet hair.
• I have family members with allergies that are bothered by being in a pet house.

I realize that even now by my saying this as an illustration, some people may feel compelled to tell me how these issues shouldn't preclude me owning a pet. Let me reiterate:
For ME, these issues are NOT WORTH IT.

So regarding dating preferences, someone saying "I don't want to date X" doesn't mean that they are intimidated by, (or dislike), X. I wouldn't want to date someone with high powered career who can't take vacations and/or has to be on call or always reachable by phone. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate the importance of those jobs, or that I don't respect people who have them, but I'm not interested in having the relationship limitations which those impose.

[mamselle]

That's why the old adage, "summer and winter your love" always made good sense to me.

Those issues can come up with time, you can get to know people just as people, and by the time you know them well enough to walk away from a more intense situation you still know them well enough to have a friend--maybe--that you know will be just that.

Not saying I've always followed my own advice, mind...

M.

[Sun_Worshiper]

I don't know about not mentioning what you do - that is a big part of who you are. If someone is going to reject you because they are intimidated by your profession, then you might as well get it out of the way early so you don't waste time.

Regarding being "intimidated" by someone's profession:

I like pets. We had a dog when I was growing up. I enjoy playing with dogs and cats.

However

I have no interest in owning a pet.
The logistics of owning a pet make it not worth it to me.

• I don't want to have to find pet-sitters for my vacation.
• I don't want to scoop poop or empty cat litter.
• I don't want to vacuum furniture, carpets, etc. for pet hair.
• I have family members with allergies that are bothered by being in a pet house.

I realize that even now by my saying this as an illustration, some people may feel compelled to tell me how these issues shouldn't preclude me owning a pet. Let me reiterate:
For ME, these issues are NOT WORTH IT.

So regarding dating preferences, someone saying "I don't want to date X" doesn't mean that they are intimidated by, (or dislike), X. I wouldn't want to date someone with high powered career who can't take vacations and/or has to be on call or always reachable by phone. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate the importance of those jobs, or that I don't respect people who have them, but I'm not interested in having the relationship limitations which those impose.

I agree that a preference does not necessarily reflect intimidation, but this is op's perception of the situation.

The urge to define oneself and others by occupation is very "American," as my French, German, and British buddies have reminded me for the past 50 years.

I've come back deliberately avoiding the question, "So what do you do?" for months, sometimes, only to hear myself ask it at, say, a dance or someplace, later, unintentionally, and realize, "Oops, I'm really back, now..."

M.

This is a fair point, but I feel like if it is someone op is going to date (in the US, I assume) in hopes of having a life together then this is going to come up sooner than later.