People are beginning to talk

[Brego]

Less than two months after my husband died in front of me, colleagues observed my teaching.  I went to the liquor store immediately afterwards.

A colleague took over my class for two weeks after the death.  It occurred to me, and much too late, that this was an excessive period to be away.

Since joining Rural R1, a couple of postdoctoral fellowships, my own serious illness, and my husband's illness meant I've been physically absent from campus for roughly half my time there.  I was told this week, "People are talking about you and it's not good."  No specifics.  Maybe the feeling is that I'm not sufficiently committed to the university, or that I'm gaming the system by being absent.  My department has a high rate of turnover - people leave every single year, and new ones brought in. 

One graduate student (very popular among their peers) has told other graduate students  to avoid me, that I would "destroy them" and "crush their souls."

Other than critique this student's work in the normal manner, I have no idea what I might have done to upset them.  I do have two graduate students who tell me that I am their biggest supporter.  The other students avoid me like the plague.

Things no longer seem worth it.  I accepted long ago that I would eventually be denied tenure and fired.  I'm sure that will come to pass.  Sometimes I think it would be better to get ahead of it and to disappear entirely. 

[research_prof]

Brego, I am deeply  sorry to hear about your husband's passing.

Now about the people that talk: f**k these people. Do what makes you happy and is best for you.

I strongly believe that a different environment may be better for you. Have you considered moving to a different university? I do not know your field, but have you considered leaving academia and potentially jumping to industry?

Simply having someone to talk to could also help. A good therapist for sure would be able to help a lot.

[fizzycist]

Of course I'm just a stranger, but for what little it's worth, I am rooting for you not to disappear. I hope you have/find a good therapist and some close allies in your department who you can vent to. And some supportive forumites who can offer you words of empathy and wisdom.

[clean]

You have been through a lot lately.  You have, Im sure, both health insurance that will cover mental health and likely an EAP (employee assistance program).  You should get some counseling.  The stress that you are feeling can have real physical effects and you should try to get ahead of them.  You already have been drawn down by your own illness, and these other things will only add to your health issues.

You may have options to pause your tenure clock given all of these issues, so dont let that bother you just now.

At this moment, you should focus on one day at a time.  Get through the end of the term.  Visit your family over the semester break.  Get some rest, physical and mental help and try to start to recover in the Spring.

Until then, let them talk.  Ignore it.

If in a year, you are not happy where you are, consider going on the market to find a place that will treat you better. But that is a discussion for another day. 

The bottom line is that you should not make any major decisions for at least a year after the death of a spouse. 

Good Luck, and keep us up to date on your effort to recover. 

[mamselle]

Be kind to yourself. Ignore gossip. Get help.

Basically, what everyone else is saying.

Find grace in music, the outdoors, friends you trust, people who love you.

M.

[ergative]

Oh, how awful. I'm so sorry to hear about this pileup of issues on top of such a dreadful time for you.

Things no longer seem worth it.  I accepted long ago that I would eventually be denied tenure and fired.  I'm sure that will come to pass.  Sometimes I think it would be better to get ahead of it and to disappear entirely.

If they're not treating you well, why make things easy for them? They're paying you now, aren't they? Keep taking their money. If tenure isn't in the cards anyway, why give up however many years of a paycheck are left to you on the clock? Keep taking their money as long as they're willing to give it, unless you have something better in hand.

[Hegemony]

I'd go back to that person who said, ""People are talking about you and it's not good" and say, "What are people saying about me, that's not good?" If they know that it's not good, they know what it's about. It makes a difference whether they're saying "I never see Brego on campus, Brego had better start turning up, whatever can be the matter that they're absent so much?" or "Brego's looking very down these days, I hope they're getting help" or "Brego has been spending a lot of time at the liquor store and I'm afraid it's obvious, someone needs to do an intervention."

The person who told you may have been saying it just to be mean, but there's also the possibility that they wanted to give you a helpful heads-up that there are some matters that need attending to.

It's no wonder that things are overwhelming right now. Our culture is not very good at support. I hope you will be able to find multiple sources of it even though it's not offered as it should be. Grief groups, therapy, time off, all and any — don't stint, now is the time. Hang in there.

[AJ_Katz]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your spouse and illness.  Most people around you probably do not know what you are truly going through or what it is like to go through that.  But it's also none of their business anyway. 

It's not very helpful of your colleague to say that to you.  It would have been more helpful for them to ask you how you are doing and if there's anything they can do to help. 

Frankly, I feel like the academic culture does not appropriately value acute personal health and family crises.  There is a "work through the pain" mentality.  I've heard people brag for going through rough times without taking leave or time off.  Don't let those cultural pressures get to you and don't fall into the trap to start guilt tripping yourself for taking the time and help you need.  Recognizing what you can and cannot control in your life is a good place to start.  Work within your rights as an employee to take the maximum time off and get the support that you need.  If needed, ask HR to inform your supervisor of your rights to that time off.  Communicate with your supervisor and/or members of the P&T committee regularly so there is a pipeline for early communication on things related to performance or expectations.

Finally, as clean said, nothing needs to be decided right now in terms of your future employment and really shouldn't be decided now.  The bottom line is that you have a job and you also have a responsibility to yourself to take rest and recuperate your mental and physical health.  Sending positive thoughts and virtual hugs your way. 

[AvidReader]

I am so sorry to hear of your husband's death. I hope you were able to have special moments together during his illness.

I think this is a lie:

A colleague took over my class for two weeks after the death.  It occurred to me, and much too late, that this was an excessive period to be away.

Two weeks is not an excessive period to be away after the death of a spouse. Not even taking into consideration your actual mourning, death initiates a lot of other activities: family to contact and maybe host, funerals to plan, subscriptions to cancel, paperwork to file. There are other practical things on this thread more useful than my comment, but don't let yourself believe this lie. This is not excessive.

AR.

[artalot]

Chiming in to add my support. I'm so sorry your personal pain has been compounded by heartless colleagues. It's easy for us to say you should ignore them (and you should!), but I know it can be hard when people you thought were friendly colleagues turn out to be so terrible at empathy and basic humanity.
Get some support, stop the tenure clock if you can, take leave if you can, then see where you are and how you feel.

[Langue_doc]

I am so sorry to hear of your husband's death. I hope you were able to have special moments together during his illness.

I think this is a lie:

A colleague took over my class for two weeks after the death.  It occurred to me, and much too late, that this was an excessive period to be away.

Two weeks is not an excessive period to be away after the death of a spouse. Not even taking into consideration your actual mourning, death initiates a lot of other activities: family to contact and maybe host, funerals to plan, subscriptions to cancel, paperwork to file. There are other practical things on this thread more useful than my comment, but don't let yourself believe this lie. This is not excessive.

AR.

I too am sorry to hear about your husband's death and the treatment you've been getting from some of your colleagues and your institution.

I also agree that a two-week absence is not considered excessive in most institutions. Fellow academics in some of the institutions in NYC took over the classes of colleagues whose homes were flooded during Sandy. Losing a spouse would be far more traumatic than recovering from a flooded home, so as long as your classes are covered, a two or three-week absence would give you some time to take care of the logistics following death as well as time to grieve before getting back to campus.

[Morden]

I am very sorry for the loss of your partner, Brego. You have been through an awful lot the last few years. Now the priority has to be being kind to yourself--in many different ways.

[poiuy]

Brego, I am so sorry to hear about your loss, and your struggles in your unsympathetic institution.

I echo those who have said that 2 weeks off is no time at all after the loss of a spouse - you would have been entitled to 3 months of FMLA off if you were a full time employee of at least one year's standing.

In fact, depending on how recent your loss was, you might be eligible for some time off, which your HR should guide you through and your institution is obliged to give you.

I agree with what Hegemony said to find out what colleagues are saying. If you have the energy, you may want to take control of your narrative by talking to that person and then sending out a message to strategic people about your loss - but gather your information from HR first.

Where is your Chair in all this?  They should not be allowing this kind of atmosphere. But are they part of the problem?

For disgruntled graduate students - they can sometimes misinterpret something and blow things up.  These are not your biggest issues now.  Work with the ones who are with you and ignore the others. It will be their loss.

Focus on getting the help you need - therapy or similar.  With that help, decide what you want, then pursue that plan. Work at your current institution as long as possible, but start networking and finding mentors and supporters who will write you strong letters of recommendation as you pursue new opportunities. 

We internet strangers are with you in supportive spirit.

[ciao_yall]

I was told this week, "People are talking about you and it's not good."  No specifics. 

That is so gaslight-y. Who would tell you something like that?

If you took your allowed leaves, then they can't hold that against you.

Some grad students are overly sensitive. And some grad students "avoid" you because they are shy. Don't take it personally.

Hugs.

[mahagonny]

It's so brutal to lose someone so close, and at such a time even. I hope you can find many more friends and supporters than people who are of no help, as you get through this.