Why Prospective Parents Want a Specific Sex

[smallcleanrat]

SO and I are talking about having a kid within a few years, and he really really really wants a girl. When I ask why, he says he doesn't know, he just does.

I honestly have no preference.

I know it's pretty common for people to hope for a particular sex, but why is this?

[ciao_yall]

My friend is a pediatrician and declared that she only wanted girls. "Every time I'm in the emergency room - it's a boy. Every time I set a broken bone? It's a boy. Stitches, concussions, you-name-it. Boys. I just want girls. They are so much easier!"

[dismalist]

My wife and I were happy to have a healthy child. Blessed, my wife would say.

[Parasaurolophus]

We hoped for a girl because of the awful things toxic masculinity does. But we have a boy. And we're delighted.

[dismalist]

My friend is a pediatrician and declared that she only wanted girls. "Every time I'm in the emergency room - it's a boy. Every time I set a broken bone? It's a boy. Stitches, concussions, you-name-it. Boys. I just want girls. They are so much easier!"

Looks like your friend doesn't want to work, ciao.

[traductio]

I grew up with only brothers (and male cousins -- not a girl to be found among any of the kids in my generation in my family), and when our first kid was born, I was hoping for a boy 'cuz I sure as heck didn't know anything about girls.

We, of course, had a daughter. From the moment I first saw her (and even before!) she has been one of my All-Time Favorite Human Beings Ever.

When we had kid 2, I felt like I had some experience with girls, but boys -- gah! Thinking back to growing up, I realized we were kinda gross and smelly. I wanted another girl.

We, of course, had a son. From the moment I first saw him (and even before!) he has been one of my All-Time Favorite Human Beings Ever.

(There's no kid 3. Kids 1 and 2 were super colicky -- for the first eight months, they both screamed as if they were in constant pain, and there was nothing we could do. They're both pretty mellow now, but there was no way we could face that possibility a third time.)

[Volhiker78]

There is probably some research on why parents prefer either boys and girls.  I'd speculate it's probably due to how parent's own childhood and relationship with siblings are perceived. My wife is from a family of all girls (3) and I'm from a family of all boys (3).  Her relationship with her sisters was extremely close and remains so to this day.  She slightly preferred being a mom to a daughter.  My relationship with my brothers was more distant although we are in good terms as adults.  I had no strong preference for boys or girls. 

We have 2 girls and they are dramatically different in terms of 'maintenance'. Not sure I agree that girls are easier to parent.

[Caracal]

I think its mostly about the way people experience and relate to gender. Part of me would have preferred a girl because I'm more comfortable with women and have more female friends than male friends. Once you actually have a kid, it becomes pretty obvious that its your child, rather than a set of ideas about men and women and it doesn't matter much.

[apl68]

My friend is a pediatrician and declared that she only wanted girls. "Every time I'm in the emergency room - it's a boy. Every time I set a broken bone? It's a boy. Stitches, concussions, you-name-it. Boys. I just want girls. They are so much easier!"

Looks like your friend doesn't want to work, ciao.

Or maybe she just didn't want to have to take her work home with her.

[the_geneticist]

I grew up with only brothers (and male cousins -- not a girl to be found among any of the kids in my generation in my family), and when our first kid was born, I was hoping for a boy 'cuz I sure as heck didn't know anything about girls.

We, of course, had a daughter. From the moment I first saw her (and even before!) she has been one of my All-Time Favorite Human Beings Ever.

When we had kid 2, I felt like I had some experience with girls, but boys -- gah! Thinking back to growing up, I realized we were kinda gross and smelly. I wanted another girl.

We, of course, had a son. From the moment I first saw him (and even before!) he has been one of my All-Time Favorite Human Beings Ever.

(There's no kid 3. Kids 1 and 2 were super colicky -- for the first eight months, they both screamed as if they were in constant pain, and there was nothing we could do. They're both pretty mellow now, but there was no way we could face that possibility a third time.)

It lovely to hear that both your kids, boy and girl, were immediately an "All-Time Favorite Human Being".

The reality is that most of us don't get to choose and all babies have the same needs for the first weeks & months of care anyway (full tummy, clean diaper, warmth and love).

Plus, they all grow up to be themself - not an imaginary idea of what you think a boy or girl ought to be.

[smallcleanrat]

I think its mostly about the way people experience and relate to gender. Part of me would have preferred a girl because I'm more comfortable with women and have more female friends than male friends. Once you actually have a kid, it becomes pretty obvious that its your child, rather than a set of ideas about men and women and it doesn't matter much.

I guess that's the vibe I'm getting from these thread replies: once the kid is a real live person and not an abstraction, it doesn't matter anymore.

SO also feels more comfortable with female friends than with male. He also grew up with only brothers, and I get the sense he expects raising a girl to be less chaotic.

I am running into articles about "gender disappointment" and how it can still linger for some people after the birth of the child. I really hope this doesn't happen with SO. We're planning to have just one child, but SO wants to "try again" if that child is a boy. If we end up with two boys, he wants to adopt a girl. And this is someone who was previously adamant we would "most likely have just one; certainly not more than two."

Is that level of commitment to getting a specific gender common? Is it something to be concerned about?

[Parasaurolophus]

As long as you're okay with the possibility of two or three children--especially, but not exclusively, if you're the child-bearing partner--then it's nothing to worry about. But if you only want one, then you both need to be clear and committed to that plan. These things do change--we only wanted one, but we're now (two years in) both open to the possibility of another in a few years. But you guys should be on roughly the same page.

Just the one is a lot of work, especially if you're both far from family. If your SO is very involved in parenting the first, that may well temper their desperation for a particular sex.

[ciao_yall]

I think its mostly about the way people experience and relate to gender. Part of me would have preferred a girl because I'm more comfortable with women and have more female friends than male friends. Once you actually have a kid, it becomes pretty obvious that its your child, rather than a set of ideas about men and women and it doesn't matter much.

I guess that's the vibe I'm getting from these thread replies: once the kid is a real live person and not an abstraction, it doesn't matter anymore.

SO also feels more comfortable with female friends than with male. He also grew up with only brothers, and I get the sense he expects raising a girl to be less chaotic.

I am running into articles about "gender disappointment" and how it can still linger for some people after the birth of the child. I really hope this doesn't happen with SO. We're planning to have just one child, but SO wants to "try again" if that child is a boy. If we end up with two boys, he wants to adopt a girl. And this is someone who was previously adamant we would "most likely have just one; certainly not more than two."

Is that level of commitment to getting a specific gender common? Is it something to be concerned about?

My dad would have loved to have had a son, but ended up with five girls.

[fishbrains]

I get the sense he expects raising a girl to be less chaotic.

As the father of four girls (and as someone who was raised in a house full of boys), I found this thought to be the funniest thing I've heard in a long time.

[the_geneticist]

I think its mostly about the way people experience and relate to gender. Part of me would have preferred a girl because I'm more comfortable with women and have more female friends than male friends. Once you actually have a kid, it becomes pretty obvious that its your child, rather than a set of ideas about men and women and it doesn't matter much.

I guess that's the vibe I'm getting from these thread replies: once the kid is a real live person and not an abstraction, it doesn't matter anymore.

SO also feels more comfortable with female friends than with male. He also grew up with only brothers, and I get the sense he expects raising a girl to be less chaotic.

I am running into articles about "gender disappointment" and how it can still linger for some people after the birth of the child. I really hope this doesn't happen with SO. We're planning to have just one child, but SO wants to "try again" if that child is a boy. If we end up with two boys, he wants to adopt a girl. And this is someone who was previously adamant we would "most likely have just one; certainly not more than two."

Is that level of commitment to getting a specific gender common? Is it something to be concerned about?

My dad would have loved to have had a son, but ended up with five girls.

It is potentially concerning.  Would your SO be a devoted and loving parent to ALL of your children?  Or would he show blatant favoritism if you had a boy and then a girl?  Or what if you have a girl -  is he going to be upset if you want a second child (girl = done)?
If you had a really difficult pregnancy (or delivery), would he support you if you said you can't go through that again?
Adoption is a long, expensive process. The more restrictions you have (age, race, gender, etc), the longer it takes.

You two need to be on the same page about how many kids, regardless of gender.

My grandmother had six living children, all of them were boys.