The Venting Thread

[mamselle]

Thanks! I'm doing absolutely nothing at high speed now!

I booked a train for the outbound trip and will probably do the same for the return, now, too.

I asked the orthopedist (the cast is on, it's better than the splint for comfort, and they were very good about explaining the injuries, which are both contained, chip-and split-like small things, nothing terrible) about air travel, phlebitis, etc., andvthey said an aspirin the morning before a flight would be enough to deal with that.

But I've also figured I like trains, it'll take longer but be more restful, they're easier to get on and off, no security hassels, etc.

So I may pass up the little golf carts for more peace of mind....!

M.

[Parasaurolophus]

Student said they needed help, but were in class during my office hours. I agreed to be in my office for an hour before class right now (which necessitated leaving home two hours early). Predictably, the student hasn't shown up. Sigh.

No big deal, but it's annoying that I set this trap up for myself.

[smallcleanrat]

Really feeling a need to vent; I'm tired of having to lie and say "fine" when someone asks the ubiquitous greeting/small talk question "how are you doing?"

This week was a bad one in terms of pain, and productivity was pathetic. I'm sad, exhausted, and I just can't muster up the usual forbearance and optimism I try to maintain to avoid falling into a pit of self-pity. I know flare-ups don't last forever, and I know I'm lucky to have health insurance and access to treatment. But there are days when I try to remind myself that I've been through all this before and got through it, while the predominant thought is "yes...but how long will things stay better before I have to go through it all over again?"

I'm disgusted with myself when I get like this, because I know there are lots of other people dealing with chronic illnesses far more serious, more debilitating, and more painful than mine. But I don't know how else to deal with the despair other than to let it run its course.

I think it's finally sinking in after nearly 15 years that this is stuff I may have to deal with for the rest of my life. I kept telling myself I would work really hard to get healthy, stay that way, and get past all this. But the reality may be there's no getting past it, so much as learning (and relearning) to live with it. Besides that, I'm aging out of my young adulthood which is when things often start to go a bit downhill anyway even for healthy people. There may be times that are better than others, but I'll never be as able as I used to be.

I feel grief for all the time I've lost to medical leaves and hospitalizations; and I am apprehensive about my future. I'm afraid I may never be strong enough to have children and raise a family. I'm afraid that any career I am able to forge won't last long, as my shaky health will make me unreliable or eventually render me too sick to work. I'm afraid I won't be able to maintain close relationships as people get tired of having to deal with my issues.

I know if I can just get a decent chunk of work done in the coming week that my mood and outlook will improve (I do have the great good fortune to be in a lab and research area that I love), but for now...I needed The Venting Thread.

[mamselle]

Yee-ouch!!!

All best thoughts and good wishes for an upturn in all you're dealing with.

There used to be a thread for forumites with chronic pain and fatigue: on the old site it was:

   https://www.chronicle.com/forums/index.php/topic,42234.0.html

There was another shorter-lived one here: '

   https://www.chronicle.com/forums/index.php/topic,13959.0.html

Searches for "Chronic" and "Pain" brought out several others.

But maybe it's just time to start one here.

I don't think you're alone...

M.

[smallcleanrat]

Thanks for the links, mamselle.

I do recall there was a child category attached to the work/life balance category related to health issues on the job.

Not sure if that's a good option for this new site, or if it would work best as a thread in the General Discussion category (maybe a broad Dealing with Chronic Illness/Disability topic?).

I've tried a few support/skills groups (led by licensed psychologists) at my university, but I felt out of place there. All the other members were undergrads who were considerably younger and thus at different stages of life/academic career than I was. It was a place to discuss immediate strategies for getting through school life and making good use of the student counseling services; there wasn't really room to discuss how to deal with the long-term. They were also groups designed for people with psychiatric or learning disability diagnoses, so no discussion of dealing with non-emotional distress/pain or declining physical health.

Honestly, it helped just to post here. I think I really needed the catharsis of saying "I'm not fine right now; I feel awful." It gets wearing trying to stay positive for the sake of those around you when all you really want to do is find a corner to cry in.

[mamselle]

Thanks for the links, mamselle.

I do recall there was a child category attached to the work/life balance category related to health issues on the job.

Not sure if that's a good option for this new site, or if it would work best as a thread in the General Discussion category (maybe a broad Dealing with Chronic Illness/Disability topic?).

I've tried a few support/skills groups (led by licensed psychologists) at my university, but I felt out of place there. All the other members were undergrads who were considerably younger and thus at different stages of life/academic career than I was. It was a place to discuss immediate strategies for getting through school life and making good use of the student counseling services; there wasn't really room to discuss how to deal with the long-term. They were also groups designed for people with psychiatric or learning disability diagnoses, so no discussion of dealing with non-emotional distress/pain or declining physical health.

Honestly, it helped just to post here. I think I really needed the catharsis of saying "I'm not fine right now; I feel awful." It gets wearing trying to stay positive for the sake of those around you when all you really want to do is find a corner to cry in.

I think you're right.

It's sometimes hard to do these things for yourself.

So starting one for you...

M.

[AmLitHist]

Pretty inconsequential vent, but it was 68 Sunday and 74 yesterday (NOT the vent).

I just got a text from city Emergency Services, forecasting 3-6 inches of snow by tomorrow afternoon.

If you don't like the weather in St. Louis, just wait a day......

[mamselle]

Yes, they say that about my place, too....

My vent:

IF you had the materials over the weekend and didn't look at them, after I spent a whole day printing and prepping them, it's not my fault if the missing budget page didn't show up until just before dinner.

In any case,

1. Don't throw a hissy fit, say you're not going to dinner, say I'm not going until it's fixed, etc.....when people are waiting on you to drive them to dinner and they won't even be looking for the budget until tomorrow, by which time I can easily have fixed the formatting issue that you didn't fix to begin with, that I noted before all the packets were being done. (And that you did last cycle, too....because when I went back to my files for that, the same formatting mess had showed up in your original and I had to re-do it....so you never worked from the "fixed" file, which I sent you, but your old one, which may look fine on your computer, but is a mess, with lines jumping all over the place, every time I open it. 

2. Don't tell the hotel clerk to print something they can't print because you don't understand how their printing queue works. Someone else is on their computer, I can't (and won't) bump them, and, again....no-one needs it until the AM.

3. Stop making all kinds of positively saccharine, glowing comments about my work when we've just had said hissy fit at the elevators, and you're all nice and smilely when we get out and the board is all there. Yuck.

4. They're doing a search, and it really is time for you to step back and retire (the above is only one example of the craziness going on). Do NOT imagine they're going to ask you back...they're moving on, as they should...that conversation felt as if it were taking place in la-la-land....as if you could just go on forever and it would be OK.

They've been kind about letting you stay on a full year longer than you originally negotiated for (and pushed your way into at that...I heard the phone conversation) but the combined hamartia and hubris are no longer sustainable.

5. Don't think I'm not aware of the nonsense of all this,  and that I'll just hang out forever. I'm getting very close to the edge of quitting, with or without something else to go to, and it will be the accumulated nonsense like this--where I do quite a lot of work, get myself to the meeting site, and then have hissy fits and megalamanic imaginings to deal with--that will lead to the decision (really already made, I just keep trying to find a workable time).

I get there are health issues, regrets about things that are not likely to happen anymore, difficulties in an earlier setting that was very unfortunate and unfair....and I was willing for awhile to help try to be a part of the healing.

But the lack of realism and the hissy fits should have gone away by now, and they havent.

So I may have to.

M.

[ciao_yall]

Yeah, that was obviously a half-assed, last-minute attempt.

[smallcleanrat]

I keep a cold pack in the communal fridge/freezer unit at the lab for when I get nauseous headaches. Today, my cold pack smells strongly of ranch dressing gone slightly off. Normally the smell wouldn't bother me, but when I'm already nauseated... Right now I'm trying to decide if I need a new cold pack or if I can restore this one to its odor-neutral state by letting it air out.

[mamselle]

Ooohhh, I'm with you there, I hate ranch dressing!

M.

[namazu]

I keep a cold pack in the communal fridge/freezer unit at the lab for when I get nauseous headaches. Today, my cold pack smells strongly of ranch dressing gone slightly off. Normally the smell wouldn't bother me, but when I'm already nauseated... Right now I'm trying to decide if I need a new cold pack or if I can restore this one to its odor-neutral state by letting it air out.

Eww.  I wonder if leaving it in baking soda for a few days would help absorb the odor.

Hope the migraine is short-lived.

[Parasaurolophus]

I keep a cold pack in the communal fridge/freezer unit at the lab for when I get nauseous headaches. Today, my cold pack smells strongly of ranch dressing gone slightly off. Normally the smell wouldn't bother me, but when I'm already nauseated... Right now I'm trying to decide if I need a new cold pack or if I can restore this one to its odor-neutral state by letting it air out.

Ick.

You can probably salvage it by letting it sit in vinegar (or vinegary water) for a while. Or even by coating it in baking soda for a day or two.

[alto_stratus]

Ugh, today my husband and I took my aunt-in-law out for lunch and she was terrible.  First, she was sick, and didn't stay home.  Second, she helped herself to the passenger seat and told my husband I had insisted (not true).  Then at lunch, she told me I was lucky because her friend's cancer was worse than mine.  And she said my hair was getting so dark (yeah, I'm not dying my hair because, chemicals & cancer) and then she said her hair was that dark but it was so unattractive, she always highlighted it. And she also commented on how thin my hair was. I think I showed remarkable control in not dumping the ice from my tea into her lap.  I have given my husband a cold shoulder he doesn't deserve - I feel sorry he's had to put up with such a mean, crappy bunch of family members.  But I am just so frickin' mad.

[Parasaurolophus]

The racism on display on Cross-Country Checkup today is (1) nauseating, and (2) so, so dispiriting. Holy shit.