The Venting Thread

[smallcleanrat]

I know I should be able to endure a few years of loneliness; at earlier points in my life I know I could have. I don't know if I'm capable of it anymore. I don't know where to find the strength.

Bull-pucky (to that first sentence).  Of all the things you have going on, scr, this is categorically NOT something you should feel bad about.  Humans are social creatures - we need social connection.  And grad school is too long a period, and too formative a point in life, to just keep your head down, work, and be miserable.  You deserve to find your happy.  If it's no longer in this lab, maybe you'd be able to finish your work in a collaborator's lab.  Or maybe there's a neighboring lab down the hall with people who'll be more welcoming.

Thank you so much for saying that, sprout.

Advice I was getting from therapists was always along the lines of "keep reminding yourself grad school isn't forever, so you can endure". Intuitively something about it seemed off. No, grad school isn't forever, but it's not an insignificant amount of time either.

I want to continue in this lab because I love the project and my PI has been so supportive and encouraging during all this.

I wonder if this issue will resolve at all if my health starts to improve so there is less for my lab-mates to be uncomfortable about or if things have changed for good. I can survive without being friends with everybody in lab, but I'm not so sure how long I'd last without being at least on friendly co-worker/acquaintance-level terms with them.

[clean]

"keep reminding yourself grad school isn't forever, so you can endure"

Here is something I heard last night. I had said something similar, but this is more eloquent:

"When you are going through hell, dont stop!"

Get through it as fast and as best as you can!

[OneMoreYear]

"keep reminding yourself grad school isn't forever, so you can endure"

Here is something I heard last night. I had said something similar, but this is more eloquent:

"When you are going through hell, dont stop!"

Get through it as fast and as best as you can!

Yes, I think this might be common advice in grad school.  When I was going through a particularly bad time in grad school, a labmate gave me a card with the phrase "If you're going through hell, keep going" on it (sometimes attributed to Churchill).  The card has made multiple moves with me, and sits on my desk in my home office 15 years later as a reminder.

[FishProf]

When I hit my own personal hell in Grad School, what got me through was the realization that I didn't HAVE TO do it.  Grad School wasn't a requirement, or an obligation; it was a choice.

Once I had that clear in my mind, I was able to soldier on and slog through, because I was the one making the decision to do so.

That perspective shift may be of help to others.  Or not.

[smallcleanrat]

I appreciate people describing their own grad school experiences.

Although, I don't know why being out of grad school is supposed to be much better.

Before my health took a steep nosedive, I was enjoying grad school. In fact it was the most content I had been in years upon years. I was learning lots, loved my project, had a great mentor, and got along well with my lab mates. Every time some therapist makes me do a pro/con list contrasting reasons to live with reasons to kill myself, I put science at the top of the "pro" list.

I know grad school for everyone has a lot of stressors and contributes to a lot of mental health issues, but I don't think that's what's happening to me. My program has been at the Goldilocks just-right level of stress. Enough to keep me on my toes, not so much I was in danger of burnout.

I don't think my problem is grad school. I think my problem is being chronically ill in grad school. It's why my productivity has drastically dropped. Why my lab mates were uncomfortable. Why it's hard to look to the future and seeing anything good coming of it. Why I think about suicide daily.

Even if I weren't in grad school, I'd still be sick and struggling to function. I would still make people uncomfortable because of this. I would still be miserable.

I don't know when I'll be better. I don't even know if I ever will. Grad school isn't my hell. My hell is the pain and debility and my malfunctioning brain. Grad school is what keeps me fighting. It gives me goals, something to look forward to, a sense that I have a place in the world and that I am able to be a functioning, contributing member of society.

I made an agreement with my therapist to stay alive for three more months, so I can say I've really given his version of therapy an honest try. "What you do after that is up to you."

So, until then...a day at a time, I guess?

I just wish I didn't have to spend those days feeling like an outcast.

[the_geneticist]

Lots of us had a miserable period in graduate school, I know I did.  But that doesn't mean that it's a mandatory part.  Especially when you are feeling so lonely and left out by the very folks who SHOULD be your peers.  They sound like cr@ppy people.  Try to find another group to hang out with.  I was "adopted" by students in the Botany program and did lots of events with them even though I was in another program.

What will be different after?  Well, most jobs have ADA guidelines and HR departments to back you up.  Some have unions.  You will be (hopefully) making more money, worker fewer hours, and you'll never have to defend a thesis again.

Please, please continue your therapy.  Suicidal thoughts are not the normal you.  And if what your therapist says that what you do after those 3 months is "up to you" FIND A NEW THERAPIST!

[ergative]

I am so sick of students asking me to read their notes and tell them where they need to study more.

[Parasaurolophus]

IT has added a banner at the top of every email not sent from an account with this university. The banner tells us it's an email from outside the university community, and may be spam or a phishing attempt.

It's distracting and annoying. And some of us get hundreds of emails from outside the university every day. There's no way around it, no 'safe' list I can build. Ugh.

[evil_physics_witchcraft]

Why is it that almost every time I try to sit at my desk and grade, or do 1 of the umpteen million administrative items that I need to do, some animal or person has to howl, yowl, crash into something, vacuum or do something else that throws off my concentration. I know that stress levels have been higher than usual,  but come on...

[clean]

, some animal or person has to howl, yowl, crash into something, vacuum or do something else that throws off my concentration. I know that stress levels have been higher than usual,  but come on...

Those items all sound like 'work' to some one or some thing!  Why should YOUR 'work' have precedence? 
And for what it is worth, the LAST thing that I would criticize is someone that is Cleaning!!  You can quote me.  Clean

[evil_physics_witchcraft]

, some animal or person has to howl, yowl, crash into something, vacuum or do something else that throws off my concentration. I know that stress levels have been higher than usual,  but come on...

Those items all sound like 'work' to some one or some thing!  Why should YOUR 'work' have precedence? 
And for what it is worth, the LAST thing that I would criticize is someone that is Cleaning!!  You can quote me.  Clean

Funny, clean.

Everything is relative, I suppose.

[archaeo42]

This is more of a minor annoyance. Spouse and I both try to anticipate where the other is going in our smallish kitchen. We inevitably end up going where the other person is in an effort to make space for the other one. I'm finding it more irritating lately. We've been home together for over a year so this is not something new.

The weather is also really messing with my allergies and my head. Pressure changes are giving me a headache today.

[FishProf]

SHUT UP! LEAVE ME ALONE!  LET ME GRADE!

[AmLitHist]

SHUT UP! LEAVE ME ALONE!  LET ME GRADE!

<small, quiet voice>  Me, too.

[Parasaurolophus]

SHUT UP! LEAVE ME ALONE!  LET ME GRADE!

<small, quiet voice>  Me, too.

I hear you guys. That was me the last week of April. I think I've recovered now, just in time for endless emails about the waitlist for summer courses (which start Monday).