Why Parents Drink

[kaysixteen]

IOW, the main problem is that the 'science' teacher is unqualified, and should not be being asked to do double duty in this way.  I'm not sure what the solution is, however...

[polly_mer]

IOW, the main problem is that the 'science' teacher is unqualified, and should not be being asked to do double duty in this way.  I'm not sure what the solution is, however...

The solutions include:

1) refusing to license K-8 teachers who are too weak in any of the five areas (math, reading, social studies, science, writing) beyond mere content knowledge on a test

2) paying our teachers more money for being more proficient in the harder-to-staff areas like math and science

3) providing additional mentoring for newer teachers to help them adjust to the realities of a classroom as well as the realities of school bureaucracy

[irhack]

We bid farewell to IRdog yesterday. It really sucks. IRson (14) is beyond angry. I'm just trying to ride it out and be understanding but I'm a little afraid, frankly. He's always been the fragile/volatile one.  IRspouse and daughter seem to share the unhealthy coping mechanism (I feel) of complete repression and want to pretend we never had a dog. It's all very dysfunctional. Argh. So on top of the grief I feel like I've failed as a parent in setting up this messed up family dynamic. :(

[wellfleet]

I'm sorry, IRhack--that sounds miserable. I hope things get better soon.

[mamselle]

Yes, my sympathies as well.

The Dog-to-English thread will have dog-owners who can relate and may have suggestions for coping with the family dynamics as well.

Sadly, letting out pets into our hearts guarantee a certain degree of heartbreak, since we usually survive them.

But we'd be poorer without them, too.

All good thoughts.

M.

[irhack]

Yeah, I picked this thread because the family issues were my top concern. I thought IRson was headed for a full on breakdown this weekend. He was so upset about the dog, and so angry at us. But he is recovering.

[backatit]

In the meantime, if you need to talk about your dog, feel free to head on over there. You probably hurt too.

I had a dream last night that prime backatipup (we have four, but one has been with me the longest and is closest to me) died, and I'm still shaken just by the thought.

[bioteacher]

We bid farewell to IRdog yesterday. It really sucks. IRson (14) is beyond angry. I'm just trying to ride it out and be understanding but I'm a little afraid, frankly. He's always been the fragile/volatile one.  IRspouse and daughter seem to share the unhealthy coping mechanism (I feel) of complete repression and want to pretend we never had a dog. It's all very dysfunctional. Argh. So on top of the grief I feel like I've failed as a parent in setting up this messed up family dynamic. :(

I'm sorry for your loss.

Model the behavior you want them to use. Let them see you crying. Talk out loud about how you are grieving. "When I got home today and IRdog wasn't there to greet me, it hit me all over again."

Your goal isn't to make them grieve with you or in the same way as you. Your goal is to create the space where grieving is normal and talking about it is okay. You can get a picture frame for a collage and dig out some favorite photos, then ask kid x to pick his/her 3 favorites because you want to print them/frame them and hang them in a special spot because you miss IRdog so much. If kid refuses, that's fine. "Okay, let me know if you change your mind and we'll switch the pictures out later." and proceed with the plan.

Do you want to get a stone you put in your yard or by your front door with IRdog's name on it? Ask the family their thoughts as you suggest the idea sometime next month. Do you want to plant a tree/shrub to honor IRdog? Ask for opinions in the spring. Gather up old towels and take them to the local shelter to donate to other dogs in need as a way to honor IRdog. Invite them to come with you, or not. Do they want to make a holiday donation to the local shelter in IRdog's name? 

Don't do this all at once, but now and then, over time, as you continue to model that you are grieving, honoring IRdog's memory, and trying to create the spaces where they are invited to grieve with you. When they nag you that you keep bringing it up, shrug and say "I'm grieving on my own timeline and I need you to respect that. I need to talk about IRdog sometimes as part of that process." 

They can't stuff it down forever. It may come out as a huge tantrum over a missing T-shirt when you're running late to a dental appointment. It may not be obvious, in the moment, that the meltdown has nothing to do with the shirt, the dentist, or begin late... and everything to do with IRdog. Be prepared for that, too, with as much patience as you can muster and plenty of hugs.

You are not a failure for them all dealing with this in their own ways. They are individuals who are going to respond in ways you may not agree with. All you can do is set the tone that grief is normal, then model what you believe healthy grieving roughly looks like. Recognize that there are other ways to grieve that are still healthy even if they don't match your script.

Hugs.

[irhack]

Bioteacher thank you so much for sharing your wisdom! I really appreciate it. I think we are moving in a healthier direction, talking about the ways we miss her. IRdaughter is doing a portrait of IRdog as part of a school project.We are sad but we are coming together a bit instead of the lashing / shutting down from last week.

[bioteacher]

So glad to hear it. Shutting down is often how we function in the face of the impossible. It can't last, but it gets us through the immediate crisis period. It sounds like everyone is grieving in their own way, and that's important to remember. As long as you keep processing it somehow, you're going to come out the other side okay. Art is a fantastic way to do that. When Biodog died, I made a list of specific things I wanted to remember about him and invited everyone in the family to contribute to it. Memories fade, but we now have a list of his unique quirks we want to remember. That might be another simple project to do in the next couple of weeks. Hugs to all of you. It's HARD.

[polly_mer]

Blocky has clearly been visiting less savory parts of the internet since he flat out stated last night before supper, "Why worry about something that's nothing more than a bad cold?"  We explained to him some realities of everyone being sick at the same time overloading the medical system and other realities of masses of people who are out of their normal routines and kinda scared.  We also explained about disparate effects including his not-in-great-health grandparents for whom a cold is already serious.

After supper, Blocky asked when we thought we might see a Covid-19 case here.  I pointed out that we already have a confirmed case in a nearby city from which people commute to my employer daily and that, with my employer hosting people from all over the world as well as having employees who routinely travel all over the world, we already have cases in town, we just don't know it yet.

Blocky went quiet and then asked preparedness questions.  Mr. Mer explained that, because we're in a rural, isolated area with only one road into town, Mr. Mer always has weeks of food, bottled water, and other supplies on hand, just in case.  Toilet paper was on sale last month so Mr. Mer stocked up as a normal stocking, just like when tissue went on sale the week before that so we have plenty for the next month.  It's already cold and flu season so we have shelves of soup and extra of all our preferred over-the-counter medicines.

Later, when the news broke that Blocky's school has been closed for the next three weeks, Blocky asked for soup.  I don't know what that means, but it's been interesting here.

How are your youngsters processing or are you tearing your hair out for other reasons, like my colleague who came home one day this week to find her kid stuck on their roof?

[spork]

Hey, can I come over for some soup, too? I can contribute a loaf of home-baked bread.

Here the K-12 districts have not shut down yet but they are on the verge of it. There are going to be a lot of parents trying to figure out child care.

[mamselle]

I'm about to email my students' parents to say I'm available for added lessons and tutoring over the next two weeks.

All the nearby elementary schools are closed for that long, at least, for deep cleaning, and possibly longer; the town just closed the libraries, too....

M.

[bioteacher]

Bioson's college cancelled graduation on March 27th. We are still going over on the 26th to load the van and bring him home from his apartment. We knew this was coming, but it's tough. He's graduating at the top of his class in automotive tech and also has an associate's degree in business. He's visiting my parent's this weekend (his first road trip in his own car) and that has taken some of the sting out of it.

Bioette's school cancelled the second weekend of the musical which was supposed to run yesterday and today. Then they closed the school for 2 weeks starting on Monday. The biggest blow has been the cancellation of the orchestra's trip to Chicago. She's been saving money for a year, working as a soccer ref in the fall, and really looking forward to the orchestra's first overnight trip. No idea if we'll get any of that $1000 back. The Tekko convention she has also saved money for attending will most likely be cancelled this coming Monday. No idea how a refund on that ticket will work, either. Summer camps at her riding barn and girl scouts may or may not go forward. It's too soon to even predict, but she knows she might lose those, too.

Bioson is looking forward to being home and since the school is still going to have a private ceremony for students and staff on the 26th, seems to be holding his own. Bioette is doing her best to rally. Having two scientist parents who have talked about this stuff until she can't bear it any more had her forewarned, but the final decisions are always tough to swallow. She plans to have a couple of friends over tomorrow. We're letting them hang out unless/until someone shows symptoms. She knows if any of us gets sick, we're on total lock down quarantine mode.

Biodad's workplace is prepared to shut down the labs and have people do the available computer work from home. He's resigned.

I've been battling HR and stirring the pot at work trying to get the two 100% computer and phone work departments at my pharmacy shifted to work from home. So far, I'm getting all sorts of excuses as to why they "can't" and no answers beyond "regulations" as to why they won't try. But we're free to take 2 weeks of PTO if we're worried. Not that any of us HAVE 2 weeks of PTO on our balance sheets. So I'm going to continue going into the office and surrounding myself with people who are hacking up their lungs b/c none of us can afford to call off.

The dog? She is thrilled to have us here. She's the winner in all this. The next month is going to be rough.

[Hegemony]

My kid, now a high school senior, is a fairly smart kid who has a lot of intellectual interests — he reads avidly, he's well travelled, he knows international politics, art history, Classical history, African history, etc. But he has various learning problems which means his schooling has been a disaster. I genuinely believe that he has never turned in an assignment on time in his entire life. Usually he forgets the assignment as soon as it's given out. If reminded of it, he begins it and then forgets it. If reminded to finish it, he finishes it and then loses it. If made to find it, he takes it to school in his backpack every day for two weeks in a row, forgets to turn it in, and then loses it again. If made to submit it online, he can't find the right page to submit it to. And so on. That's if he's done it in the first place. Usually he puts it out his mind and decides that doing it is less interesting than not doing it. He sets new land speed records in lack of motivation.

In the course of this we have been through umpteen different kinds and dosages of medication, three educational psychologists, endless school counselors and teachers, and every effort I can think of.

Everyone agrees that he is a well-adjusted, easy-going guy. The downside of his perpetual sunny optimism is that he seems to lack the capacity to be alarmed about any of this. "I just assume it will work out somehow," he says cheerfully. I keep threatening that at some stage, being chronically late, unprepared, and simply failing to do the work will no longer get him where he wants to go. It seemed as if things were about to come to a head, with a raft of unfinished assignments which were going to keep him from graduating from high school. "Oh, it will work out," he kept saying, as he continued to not do them.

Who could have predicted that a worldwide pandemic would mean that his high school would declare that all students will pass this year without further work?  That certainly wasn't an "out" I would have predicted.

The next question is what to do with next year. His dream career is unfortunately one that involves a college degree. (His heart is set on being a kindergarten teacher, and he would be a fabulous one. He has a lot of experience working with little kids, and several courses on child development.) He was going to take a gap year and go to a foreign country where we have connections and work as an au pair. I don't think that's going to be possible in the current conditions.  When I mention taking online courses from the local community college, he looks as if I've proposed torture on the rack.

So my dilemma is: how to take a useful gap year under semi-lockdown?  I am in several vulnerable health categories, so I'm worried about him having a job while living at home. And I'm not convinced he's mature and organized enough to live entirely on his own.

Any ideas on useful gap year staycations? I'm flummoxed.