Why Parents Drink

[mamselle]

Ohh..would you do that with icing, or little plastic  build for the mountains?

The blue frosting is perfect for water....

M.

[Tenured_Feminist]

See, this is one advantage to teenagers. Youngest realized last night at 10 PM that he had promised to bring in brownies today for his chem class. I guffawed, pointed to the kitchen, and said, "have at it, laddie!"

[ab_grp]

See, this is one advantage to teenagers. Youngest realized last night at 10 PM that he had promised to bring in brownies today for his chem class. I guffawed, pointed to the kitchen, and said, "have at it, laddie!"

Exactly.  And don't forget to put everything away and do the dishes when you're done! Wonderful when such an opportunity arises.

[bioteacher]

Agreed on teens in the kitchen.

Bioette's chorus shoes.... it was a saga. Chorus requires fancy gowns and gloves. All for a hefty rental fee. And dress shoes. Her old ones didn't fit. Her heels are tiny and she walks out of flats. So we found her a pair of closed toe shoes last fall that met all criteria (low heel, stayed on, closed toe, black) and I plunked down $40 for the dang things knowing she would wear them 2x.

For the spring adjudication, one went missing. Her room is a disaster. (ADD, depression, a mom who has been struggling  with depression, and deep hoarding/sentimental tendencies). It was bad despite progress she has made on sorting and purging. I went in a hunted, stacking stuff into piles for her to sort later. I didn't read notebooks I found, for example just stacked them up. She was in tears at me invading her privacy. Two evenings of my life spent trying to tame the mess and then find the damn shoe. Only for her to mention she remembered seeing it downstairs by the work bench near her riding boots.

I sad a bad language word or two in my head. Yes, the shoe was there. I gave it to her.

A week later, she needed it for her concert. She texted me when I was still at work about not knowing where it was. Her dad "didn't want to get involved." I said more bad language words to myself. When I got home, I went hunting. No shoes. She was upset again, in tears again because I'm invading her privacy, she has to leave soon, etc. Drama. I remembered the adjudication. "where is your bag from that day?" Shoulder shrugs. I went hunting to her other closet--- the dining room where she thinks all things from school should be placed for some strange sacrifice beneath the dining room table or something. Hooray, I found the shoes.

I've also raised my blood pressure, acquired more grey hair, and been accused of "invading her privacy" too often.

Next year, I'm getting a can of spray paint and applying paint to her bare feet. Spray on shoes can't get lost.

[Hegemony]

Oh, bioteacher, that sounds so stressful — and so typical.

I think I would have let her pay the penalty (whatever it was) of turning up with the wrong shoes, if she griped at my looking for them.  Because, sheesh!

[polly_mer]

Next year, I'm getting a can of spray paint and applying paint to her bare feet. Spray on shoes can't get lost.

One good solution.

A possible second solution that has worked on Blocky is creating a go-bag for every single frickin' activity that includes all the equipment for that activity.  Yes, that means having duplicates of some fairly cheap stuff (e.g., a separate container of sunscreen lives in the swim bag, the archery bag, and the Nerf gun bag and each of those bags has a water bottle hanging off the side), but having each bag live in its designated spot means we're ready in under 5 minutes. 

That was particularly handy when Blocky announced at 0755 one morning prior to a 0800 departure that today was the end-of-year swim party and did someone sign his permission slip so he could go.  Yes, we got a week's notice on those doggone brownies and 5 minutes notice on the swim trip.

Years ago, some forumite made fun of people for keeping all those conference, give-away bags.  Well, Blocky has now been the beneficiary of about six of those bags.  I use another eight for my various activities and Mr. Mer has four for his collection of interests.  At times, the heavy sigh has been that I didn't attend a couple of those conferences more; the HLC in particular gave great bags.

[bopper]

See, this is one advantage to teenagers. Youngest realized last night at 10 PM that he had promised to bring in brownies today for his chem class. I guffawed, pointed to the kitchen, and said, "have at it, laddie!"

Exactly.  And don't forget to put everything away and do the dishes when you're done! Wonderful when such an opportunity arises.

My rule is if you are baking and I get to partake of the goodies, I will help you clean up.
If I am not (because you are taking it to school), you are on your own.

[bioteacher]

My rule is if you are baking and I get to partake of the goodies, I will help you clean up.
If I am not (because you are taking it to school), you are on your own.

I like this rule!

Bioette is in the finicky place of wanting her space respected yet also needing some help with it. Add in a cocktail of hormones, exhaustion, some mental health stuff, and you get a lovely evening of mother/daughter bonding. :-)

[kaysixteen]

I am wondering what the general opinion here is wrt the level of privacy, such as it is, parents provide their adolescents at home nowadays, esp given online access gizmos, etc?  This teacher finds this an interesting question...

[backatit]

That's a good question, and I'm following it with interest. Mine were all on the cusp of the online revolution, so while I worried about it, I didn't have to deal with it quite so much. The youngest is now 19, so we don't have much control over it, but I do remember having to have a "no electronics in rooms" rule because otherwise they couldn't resist them at night.

[bioteacher]

Trust is earned.

With Bioette, who is 15, my husband regularly checks her contacts list and deletes any we can't identify. We don't read her texts or emails but know the password to all of her accounts, phone, etc. We've set her up with Lastpass to manage them. She asks us before installing new apps, and is very cautious about giving out personal info. Just tonight, she asked about a new app called amino and it wanted her date of birth off the bat. She came to me and asked if it was okay. I explained the legal reasons for that request, showed her how to make sure it didn't have access to her camera, microphone, or location, and set up Lastpass on the desktop to record the username and password she chose.

We are careful to give her space, but when she has been upset (fragile friend texting things that sounded suicidal) I jumped on her phone (with her right there, crying) identified myself, and intervened as a parent who cared. We've made it clear that if we are worried about her and cannot get answers from her, we will do whatever it takes to find those answers. IE: sudden mood swings, failing grades, skipping school, but she insists all is well? At that point, privacy is gone because we have an obligation to protect her, even from herself. If the same happen and she told us she needed to see her therapist sooner, that she was feeling more depressed, but wasn't wiling to say why? Privacy respected, appointment made, hugs given. She's allowed to have secrets. We strongly caution against keeping secrets that can lead to harm of herself or others.

It used to be no tablets/phones in the bedrooms at all. As they got older, we relaxed that but made clear what the expectations were for getting enough sleep and not going to websites that were age inappropriate. We were always free to look over their shoulder and make sure they toed the line. Failure to do so brought about swift device lockdowns.

We've been open with the kids about having to come up with rules and policies for something that didn't exist when we were growing up. We flat out said we knew we'd get it wrong, being too lax sometimes and too strict other times. We have taken the approach of "here is why we are doing this, talk to us if you disagree." Add in a hefty dose of "Here are things to be careful about online and here is why it's important to do so." Overall, I'm happy with how they are navigating it.

Bioette has her phone pretty much in reach at all times. Yet it's not just for texting. She reminds herself to eat with a snack reminder. She listens to music. She uses a relaxation app at bedtime to help her go to sleep. Her phone may be on the bed beside her, but she's using it to look up reference pictures for her latest sketch. Is she too attached? Probably. But I can't argue with how she's using it.

That's the short answer.

[wellfleet]

Wellkid (15) has a lot of electronic freedom and privacy--far too much for some parents' comfort, I'm sure. But he's competent and responsible and happy and he understands that this freedom is tightly tied to his ongoing good and safe behavior.

He's getting his annual digital detox starting soon, where he'll trade all electricity for wilderness for a few weeks. That's good for both his body and his heart.

[Tenured_Feminist]

Mine have been pretty much free to manage their digital and electronic lives as long as use of devices is not having visible negative effects. Youngest occasionally needs reminders that sleep is important and if he chooses not to get enough sleep, he doesn't get to make everyone around him miserable because of it.

We have a communal desktop in common space. That helps to keep tabs on serious gaming.

[kaysixteen]

How many of you would periodically check the kid's online devices to, ahem, well see what they're doing online?

What about random checks of bedrooms, etc.?

[polly_mer]

Random checks?  How much free time do you think I have?  How dumb do you think my kid is to not be able to get around random checks were I to implement them?

Either the trust is going to work or we have bigger problems than whatever nefarious online things Blocky might be doing because:

1) No one has the time and energy to watch him every single second of every single day.

2) The goal is for Blocky to become a competent adult.  Watching Blocky every single second of every single day to prevent all possible toes even approaching a line means Blocky doesn't get some valuable learning experiences on why the rule line was placed well back from any actual danger.

3) Prevents some of the valuable experiences of crossing a rule line and finding out the actual consequences of what happens when no one is looking.  We've been putting a lot of effort into conscience and why rules exist.  Ending up on a couple sites with pictures Blocky really, really didn't want to see helps Blocky believe more in the bumpers easily in place for safer browsing.

4) Keeping an absurdly tight rein on electronics means putting Blocky at a disadvantage in an increasingly electronic world.  I had a childhood that was as electronic as possible at the time for the resources we had as well as having access to a bazillion books that I snuck reading over sleep and other activities.  For Blocky to have the updated version (ooh, programming can be fun; hey, look how hard I can push this computer!) means he will have that advantage as well.