Why Parents Drink

[wanna_writemore]

We use parental control settings on the family laptop/xbox/teen's laptop to set time limits per day and to block inappropriate sites (however well those algorithms work). Our kids have a tough time with managing their own limits but are totally okay with the computer shutting off on them when the time's up, so we take advantage of that. Oldest-at-home (16) asks for extra time frequently to finish homework or listen to music, and we almost always give it to her. We can see what websites they've been looking at, but rarely bother. We allow flip phones in middle school (grades 7-8 here), although current middle-schooler just finished 7th grade and tends towards extreme disrespect and abusive language directed at me, so he's lost the privilege of getting a phone at all until high school (this might be revisited at Christmas). The same middle-schooler does have an iPod touch which is pretty locked down with parental controls. He needs permission to download apps or purchase anything and has time limits on most apps. He has constant access to music and audiobook apps.

With oldest (now moved out) and current oldest-at-home, phones sleep in the living room and have a nightly bedtime. That bedtime depends on maintaining acceptable grades and behavior, so adjusts periodically. Current oldest-at-home still only has a flip phone because she wasn't getting her schoolwork done, but we will probably get her a smartphone soon. If she had bothered pushing for it earlier, we might have, but she's not very interested. She frequently has to be reminded to bring her phone down at bedtime not because she's using it but because it's been in the bottom of her backpack all day and she hasn't bothered to get it out.

We are stricter than most parents but we try to be fair and to respond to our own kids' personalities, needs, and limitations. Middle-schooler already has a challenging time managing his anger, and wants to spend his much of his time online playing violent videogames, after which he's unpleasant. We talk to him about this and limit what games he can play, but the only thing that really works is limiting the amount of time he has access. I appreciate Polly's interest in fostering her son's curiosity about computers etc. but that's not something this kid will ever do. Cannibalizing the riding toys he's outgrowing and improving them or making elaborate superhero costumes, on the other hand....there he really is creative and interested and has come up with some amazing ideas that he's learning how to implement.

[paultuttle]

What a heartwarming story, paultuttle.

Thanks! To clarify, Mom doesn't drink, but if she did, I'm sure having four sons within a period of 4.5 years would have made her . . . imbibe considerably.

[mouseman]

It's weird reading about all the "little" kids as preteens and teens. I mean, how is Blocky in school, how is Nephew finishing elementary school, and when did Bioette become a teenager?

Then I remember that the Mouselet is starting college in September, and I go for the scotch...

[Conjugate]

My sister had a super high power, 90 hour/week job.  The school teachers devised a plan that every week (twice a week?) a parent mother would bake a cake in the shape of a state to teach the students about the US states.  When my sister heard this, her  head exploded, but, when confronted, the teacher reassured her that they had assigned her Nebraska, so that she could just pick the cake up from the store.  (And we wonder why our mothers drink.)

Pretty sure my local grocery doesn't sell a Nebraska-shaped cake.  But 5 min with a knife and I could carve it to be close enough. 
If someone assigned me Hawaii, I think I'd be tempted to just put some pineapple on top of a normal rectangular sheet cake and say it's a Hawaiian cake.  You know, the same way you make a "Hawaiian" pizza/burger/whatever.

Ice it with blue icing (the ocean) and put pineapple chunks in the middle in an approximate Hawaii shape.

With regard to electronics: Conjutot (well, nearly 6 now, so not quite a tot) has become fascinated with his Kindle Kids Fire. We got him one about four years ago, and it died recently.  Now, their guarantee is strong; No matter how he says it died, they replace it free in the first two years. It was no longer under that warranty, but they gave me 20% off on a new model (with more memory). So for about the same price as the old one we got a bigger one, and got another year of free access to kid-friendly apps, books, etc. We let him have a fair amount of time on it, and he's downloaded a ton of apps that he likes, and gets to watch videos (all carefully curated to be age-appropriate).

On the other hand, he's now started agitating for Minecraft (eight bucks a month, instead of the $3/month that we paid for the Kid's Fire FreeTime program that gets him all the apps and books and stuff). There is a one-month free trial, but neither his mother nor I know how to help him with it, and mostly we don't have time to learn how to do it ourselves. He can't read the documentation yet, either.

[polly_mer]

On the other hand, he's now started agitating for Minecraft (eight bucks a month, instead of the $3/month that we paid for the Kid's Fire FreeTime program that gets him all the apps and books and stuff). There is a one-month free trial, but neither his mother nor I know how to help him with it, and mostly we don't have time to learn how to do it ourselves. He can't read the documentation yet, either.

We bought an Xbox One years ago when Blocky started asking for Minecraft and he might have been sixish.  One need not be able to read if one has access to another device that can view YouTube with all the other kids playing Minecraft.  I will mention that Blocky didn't care for the tablet version of Minecraft, but that could be the difference between a 7 in screen and a 48 in screen.

Mr. Mer really took a liking to Minecraft and now the two of them build worlds together.  Blocky has also been given permission to build with people he knows from school and that's been a good interaction as well.

[bioteacher]

It's weird reading about all the "little" kids as preteens and teens. I mean, how is Blocky in school, how is Nephew finishing elementary school, and when did Bioette become a teenager?

Then I remember that the Mouselet is starting college in September, and I go for the scotch...

Exactly! I look in the mirror and see an older face and yet I feel no older on the inside. Why can't we all be the ages we think we are/should be? How did this happen? I don't remember giving the kiddos permission to grow up!

[citrine]

Nephew also started playing Minecraft at age 6, and his literacy improved tremendously when I told him that he'd have to spell the words he wanted me to read for him if he couldn't figure them out himself. His early literate vocabulary was a bit heavy on Minecraft elements, but it did work... The next year he got interested in programming and played with Learn to Mod, which teaches kids how to program by having them build Minecraft mods and test them. Now he still plays online on the PS4 with kids from school and they build really interesting things together. As games go, it's not the worst thing one could want to play. And there are many, many, many tutorial videos to help him.

(Nephew's reward for finishing elementary school without any Major Incidents happening was a 4000-piece Lego Creator Expert set, and right now the entire living room is covered in pieces of Lego roller coaster. I'm glad he's happy and that he's building this thing, but I kinda miss being able to walk downstairs without stepping on Lego.)

[bioteacher]

In many ways, Minecraft is Lego on the computer. One is easier on the feet, however. :-) My daughter is really into minecraft and it has given her a ton of enjoyment as she builds worlds.

[Conjugate]

Perhaps we'll give Minecraft a shot; we've got the 30-day free trial.  We've also been told to consider something called "Roblox," which seems good.

Right now, he likes Pango (a French set of apps, free via FreeTime) and Sago Minis (similar). But we're going on a long drive soon, and he's bouncing off the walls as though he's on a massive sugar high, even though it's almost past bedtime.  Maybe he'll sleep in the car tomorrow?

[polly_mer]

Perhaps we'll give Minecraft a shot; we've got the 30-day free trial.  We've also been told to consider something called "Roblox," which seems good.

Blocky has also loved Roblox and plays that with his friends on the Xbox as well.

[citrine]

Nephew was unable to sleep in the car until last year. Now he insists that he can't sleep in the car, but then I'll say "Hey, bud, do you need to stop to use the bathroom?" when we're getting near a rest area and he won't answer and I'll look in the rear view mirror to see him slumped over in his seat. We also are going on a long drive on Tuesday so I just let him get the new Mario Maker game so that he can have something to do in the car other than ask me if we're there yet or complain that he's already read all the books we packed. Fun fact: if you ask Google Maps that, you will get a response with estimated time to destination!

(I vastly prefer Minecraft to Roblox for games I have to endure watching, but Nephew and his cousin have both enjoyed Roblox at times.)

[ab_grp]

Just coming here to say that waking up to a string of 3 AM, hysterical texts (that, naturally, do not provide any detail about the trauma that has occurred) from my 23yo is one of the many reasons why I drink.  Of course, by the time I was up, she was sleeping and did not respond to contact, so I fretted and ready the papers local to her area, checked social media, prepared to call everyone who knows her, etc.  And it turns out to be not really a big deal (I mean no one was physically injured, killed, jailed). 

[bioteacher]

Just coming here to say that waking up to a string of 3 AM, hysterical texts (that, naturally, do not provide any detail about the trauma that has occurred) from my 23yo is one of the many reasons why I drink.

Glad to hear it all worked out, aside from promoting the development of high blood pressure and grey hair.

Nephew isn't sleeping in the car, Citrine, he's practicing focused meditation. There is a difference!

Both kids are home this week on break. It is SO GOOD to hear them laughing and spending time together before Bioson returns to technical school next week. I treasure these times to fortify me for all of the Drama that comes with a teenage female in the house. Her brother is so laid back it's almost caused for worry of a different sort, but we had a lot less drama with him at this stage.

[mouseman]

The Minecraft posts reminded me of the Mouselet's Minecraft years, and how the majority of the relationship between her and her first boyfriend (6th grade...) was building stuff together in Minecraft, each from their own bedroom. The built a house together, and he gave her a new suit of armor (diamond), and red wool in the shape of a heart.

Ahhh, middle school romance in the 21st century...

[backatit]

Just coming here to say that waking up to a string of 3 AM, hysterical texts (that, naturally, do not provide any detail about the trauma that has occurred) from my 23yo is one of the many reasons why I drink.  Of course, by the time I was up, she was sleeping and did not respond to contact, so I fretted and ready the papers local to her area, checked social media, prepared to call everyone who knows her, etc.  And it turns out to be not really a big deal (I mean no one was physically injured, killed, jailed).

Older kids are really difficult. Mine made a really, really big mistake at her work this week, so a lot of angst (on her part, not mine; I provided long-distance support) was spent in figuring out how to respond and actively take blame and come up with a plan for it not to happen again. She handled it well, and no one died, but I was struck by the difficulty of it all. We've all been there, and there just isn't much you can do in those situations, but it hurts to have to witness and BE able to do nothing. I think that's the hardest part of parenting at any age - witnessing that loss (of a job, a spouse, etc) and doing...nothing but providing support.  itlet will be ok, and she handled it well, but they are all in flux right now. The two that are moving home are just...afloat.

One is planning to (really) go out on the road with her musician boyfriend, and actually, I think that will be good for her. She's been much more sheltered than the rest of them, and she could use some life.