Help with relationship with professor

[Kron3007]

I teach at a cc, so I can't claim to be a uni professor.  But I am an old, single, male, hetero, white guy.  If any of you think this guy has been working ziplock for three years to get in her pants, you are out of your minds. Three years??  If any of you find pants so worth getting into that I'd work it for three years, please send the unicorn to me.

Hahahaha, this was my thought too.  Three years?!

I planted an apple tree in my yard and tend to it with the hope of one day eating some apples from this tree, perhaps next year or maybe three years from now.   I have not stopped eating other apples while I wait for this to happen.  Perhaps this tree will never bloom.  I will not be too upset if that is the case, but that is the reason I planted it and it is the reason I tend to it now.

But when the tree bears fruit, it's your fruit and there is no compunction with taking it. Whereas if this professor is thinking about sex with ziplock, he's also made up his mind not to act on it. Which we call being trustworthy.
She can decide to act on it, however. But the relationship is still enjoyable for him if she never does.
That's if it's not a troll thread.

The above said, any old straight white guy who is spending that much non-work time with a straight woman in her 30s wants to get into her pants. He might be too scrupulous or too psychologically damaged to try it, but he's thinking about it.

Yeah, I find it hard to believe that's not the case as well (although I don't know why white needs to be in the dedcription...). 

Things get dull otherwise. And that's what the PhD is for, so you can develop a finely tuned habit of critical thinking and discernment and then accuse people of things because they are white.

I n my completely fabricated version of the story, this is his hope from the relationship but he realizes that it is in appropriate and would be more so if he initiated things.  As such, he will continue along hoping to get some apples, but if not he will still enjoy tending the tree (in my example above, I do enjoy time I the garden even if I don't get to eat the fruit).

[mahagonny]

I n my completely fabricated version of the story, this is his hope from the relationship but he realizes that it is in appropriate and would be more so if he initiated things.  As such, he will continue along hoping to get some apples, but if not he will still enjoy tending the tree (in my example above, I do enjoy time I the garden even if I don't get to eat the fruit).

My impression also. And we are guessing from here, but as guesses go, this one's plausible.

[Ruralguy]

Its probably better just to stick with what we know.

The relationship itself, while possibly not stunningly inappropriate, does introduce a conflict of interest if this man/professor is to be trusted as an evaluator in a mentoring role.

Other than that: "whatever"

[marshwiggle]

I planted an apple tree in my yard and tend to it with the hope of one day eating some apples from this tree, perhaps next year or maybe three years from now.   I have not stopped eating other apples while I wait for this to happen.  Perhaps this tree will never bloom.  I will not be too upset if that is the case, but that is the reason I planted it and it is the reason I tend to it now.

In my completely fabricated version of the story, this is his hope from the relationship but he realizes that it is in appropriate and would be more so if he initiated things.  As such, he will continue along hoping to get some apples, but if not he will still enjoy tending the tree (in my example above, I do enjoy time I the garden even if I don't get to eat the fruit).

But if a fruit tree bears no fruit, it's just a tree, and I'd get tired of people asking about the fruit that I get from my non-bearing tree. I'd move on to growing trees specifically for their shade, or nice blossoms, or whatever they produce that they are expected to produce. The non-bearing fruit tree isn't useless, but if its only value is in its secondary benefits, there are probably other trees that would be a better choice for those secondary benefits exclusively.

[ziplock]

I planted an apple tree in my yard and tend to it with the hope of one day eating some apples from this tree, perhaps next year or maybe three years from now.   I have not stopped eating other apples while I wait for this to happen.  Perhaps this tree will never bloom.  I will not be too upset if that is the case, but that is the reason I planted it and it is the reason I tend to it now.

But when the tree bears fruit, it's your fruit and there is no compunction with taking it. Whereas if this professor is thinking about sex with ziplock, he's also made up his mind not to act on it. Which we call being trustworthy.
She can decide to act on it, however. But the relationship is still enjoyable for him if she never does.
That's if it's not a troll thread.

I n my completely fabricated version of the story, this is his hope from the relationship but he realizes that it is in appropriate and would be more so if he initiated things.  As such, he will continue along hoping to get some apples, but if not he will still enjoy tending the tree (in my example above, I do enjoy time I the garden even if I don't get to eat the fruit).

But if a fruit tree bears no fruit, it's just a tree, and I'd get tired of people asking about the fruit that I get from my non-bearing tree. I'd move on to growing trees specifically for their shade, or nice blossoms, or whatever they produce that they are expected to produce. The non-bearing fruit tree isn't useless, but if its only value is in its secondary benefits, there are probably other trees that would be a better choice for those secondary benefits exclusively.

I went away for a week to visit family and went from troll to capable, but non-producing, apple tree. This sounds like a visit with my mother of 'so when are you giving me grandchildren. You're not getting younger, you know?'

This hypothetical situation has given me a much needed smile. Much thank you!

[Kron3007]

I planted an apple tree in my yard and tend to it with the hope of one day eating some apples from this tree, perhaps next year or maybe three years from now.   I have not stopped eating other apples while I wait for this to happen.  Perhaps this tree will never bloom.  I will not be too upset if that is the case, but that is the reason I planted it and it is the reason I tend to it now.

In my completely fabricated version of the story, this is his hope from the relationship but he realizes that it is in appropriate and would be more so if he initiated things.  As such, he will continue along hoping to get some apples, but if not he will still enjoy tending the tree (in my example above, I do enjoy time I the garden even if I don't get to eat the fruit).

But if a fruit tree bears no fruit, it's just a tree, and I'd get tired of people asking about the fruit that I get from my non-bearing tree. I'd move on to growing trees specifically for their shade, or nice blossoms, or whatever they produce that they are expected to produce. The non-bearing fruit tree isn't useless, but if its only value is in its secondary benefits, there are probably other trees that would be a better choice for those secondary benefits exclusively.

Well, some people tend to many trees.  It's called an orchard...

[marshwiggle]

I went away for a week to visit family and went from troll to capable, but non-producing, apple tree. This sounds like a visit with my mother of 'so when are you giving me grandchildren. You're not getting younger, you know?'

This hypothetical situation has given me a much needed smile. Much thank you!

I think your situation is great fodder for discussion because it doesn't involve any physical contact so it doesn't cross that line. (And of course, academics are by nature people who like discussing things to death. And with analogies......)

So many thanks to you as well.

[bento]

OP, just think about why you are worried.  Senior faculty singling out grad students for special favors and Platonic dates and such are not really helping their programs in the ways they should.  If you have been seen out as a couple, then in your program there's a perception of you being a special person and the rest of the students not so much.

One of the things grad programs try to build is a sense of cohort, shared community, solidarity, and equality of access to benefits.  This effort is a constant struggle because academia is competitive.

You may have given your cohort and grad peers the impression that you jumped the benefit queue straight into Professor X's pocket.  This is demoralizing to the program.  It's to your credit that you are now worried about asking X for a letter, but the two of you have already built a situation that isn't optimal for the community that has supported you.

I think X has been irresponsible, but you also need to develop a better moral compass and more consideration of the community to which you belong.  I'm first gen too, and the jobs I held outside academia prior to grad school taught me how not to ever become the boss's pet and cost my co-workers their sense of place.