The Mental Health Thread

[apl68]

In fairness to the EMTs, they don't really know or understand the situation.  All they know is that they've been repeatedly called out, unnecessarily, to the same location for the same patient.  It's undoubtedly a frustrating situation for them.  They should not take it out on you by letting their exasperation with the situation show...but human beings often can't help that, and they're human too.  The real fault lies with the mandate from your lab that has put both you and the EMTs in this impossible situation.

I would not tell you to "stop caring" about whether the EMTs have a problem with it.  However, I would encourage you to try not to take it personally.  You know that you're not trying to cause trouble for anybody.  You're not at fault here.  I'd also encourage you to show the EMTs some grace.  Again, they're being put into a frustrating situation that they don't understand.  Assuming they don't pull something grossly unprofessional, I doubt that they're deliberately trying to be unkind or hurtful to you.  The situation sounds analogous to people who keep bumping into each other in a crowded bookstore with narrow aisles.  Nobody is trying to do wrong by anybody else.  They're just unavoidably in each others' way.  In a situation like that, people just have to try to bear with each other.  The EMTs may not be doing the best possible job of showing that sort of grace.  But you can by not letting yourself be resentful toward them.  You'll feel better for it.

On the positive side, the EMT call-outs are indeed nonessential...which is surely better than having repeated necessary emergency room visits!

[AmLitHist]

SCR, you're probably in a bigger city/location than I, but is it consistently the same EMT crew/company coming out?  In my small town, but also at my campus in an urban setting, there's one community EMT service to cover the area. If that were the case for you, might you be able to meet with that service's director (maybe with your PI or someone else also in the meeting) to let them know of your situation? If the call-out crews were aware of your condition and why they're repeatedly being called out, it might make both you and them feel a bit more at ease. 

Remember, even though they're trained, the adrenaline gets pumping for any first responder when that call comes in. While they shouldn't automatically assume that a call for you would be "nothing," at least they could reframe their approach to make it more comfortable for everyone.

Just a thought....

[smallcleanrat]

The situation sounds analogous to people who keep bumping into each other in a crowded bookstore with narrow aisles.  Nobody is trying to do wrong by anybody else.  They're just unavoidably in each others' way.  In a situation like that, people just have to try to bear with each other.  The EMTs may not be doing the best possible job of showing that sort of grace.  But you can by not letting yourself be resentful toward them.  You'll feel better for it.

That's a helpful analogy. Thanks, apl68.

SCR, you're probably in a bigger city/location than I, but is it consistently the same EMT crew/company coming out?  In my small town, but also at my campus in an urban setting, there's one community EMT service to cover the area. If that were the case for you, might you be able to meet with that service's director (maybe with your PI or someone else also in the meeting) to let them know of your situation? If the call-out crews were aware of your condition and why they're repeatedly being called out, it might make both you and them feel a bit more at ease. 

Remember, even though they're trained, the adrenaline gets pumping for any first responder when that call comes in. While they shouldn't automatically assume that a call for you would be "nothing," at least they could reframe their approach to make it more comfortable for everyone.

Just a thought....

Thanks for your reply, AmLitHist.

It's not always the same people, but multiple people have seen me multiple times.

However, it looks like going forward the solution is going to be to keep me out of the lab again. It won't be lost time, since I can analyze data from home, and I need to be writing my thesis in anticipation of graduating this summer. But I feel so down about this. Working from home feels terribly isolating, almost like being back in lockdown.

And I feel like I've really let my PI down because of how much I've struggled with my mental and physical health throughout grad school. He's never criticized me for it ("I know you're working hard."), but I know I've hardly been the most productive student. He's been incredibly supportive, and I feel I haven't come anywhere close to paying him back for that. It depresses me to think I'll never be able to make it up to him.

[apl68]

And I feel like I've really let my PI down because of how much I've struggled with my mental and physical health throughout grad school. He's never criticized me for it ("I know you're working hard."), but I know I've hardly been the most productive student. He's been incredibly supportive, and I feel I haven't come anywhere close to paying him back for that. It depresses me to think I'll never be able to make it up to him.

Oh, there are ways to make it up to your PI.  You can continue persevering in the face of the heavy headwinds that you have to fight, and making progress despite them.  It's what your supportive PI undoubtedly wants to see, and he'll be glad for what he sees you do.  I'm sure there have been times when he has been glad for what you've done already. 

You can also, when the time comes--and it will someday--be supportive of somebody else who needs your support.  Several people on this thread have drawn upon their own analogous times of distress in encouraging and advising you.  I believe that you will someday have a chance to pass that on in turn.

[Istiblennius]

You just described being able to analyze data from home and prepare your thesis for graduation. That's great! That's what any good advisor (which it sounds like your PI is) wants. You will pay off his investment on you by doing exactly what you are doing.

And I want to echo what apl68 wrote. From what I've seen of your posts, you are a kind and thoughtful person yourself, and will no doubt have the opportunity to support others in the future (you probably already have). Your PI treated you the way he would want to be treated. You'll do the same. That's how you carry forward the academic legacy of this person who invested in your training.

[Istiblennius]

... and apologies for the double post, but oh my gosh, my anxiety is through the roof today. I can't identify any trigger or situation that is causing me to feel especially antsy, but I am really on edge. I am hiding in my office instead of attending a meeting (where I would not be an important component) but I still feel guilty. I just know I don't have it in me today to be part of this particular event. I have my favorite class later today, so I should be able to get my act together by then. It's just so frustrating to feel so anxious with no good reason.

[AmLitHist]

Sending good wishes, Istiblennius.  I've had a lot of those days this spring, and they're awful. If I can at least identify the reason, it seems to make them a little easier. Don't feel guilty (easier said than done, I know).  I hope things are better today.

[clean]

I like the idea of scheduling a meeting with you, the PI and the most likely crew & their boss.  Bring cupcakes!  Within the limits of what you can disclose about your medical records, let them know what the issue is, that the diagnosis is not 'mental', and tell them now what they can expect from you in this state, and how they can best help you!  Let them know what you are doing to manage the problem to reduce the incidences so that they know that you are trying your best and that you are still working on the fine points to address the issue and that you will still have an occasional failure to prevent the attacks. 
It will also let them see you as a person (and source of cupcakes). 
Get their names so that you can talk to them more on a one to one level, than a patient, rescuer relationship. 

And hopefully you are keeping a diary/journal to note what is working and what may be additional triggers you may have missed...  perhaps include a food log as maybe something you are eating may cause the chemical imbalance, or something else that may  increase your susceptibility!   

Finally, IF you are going to be working from home, that is not a bad thing either!  You will have more time with the kitties and will have more material for cat stories!

[apl68]

I spent much of the past week experiencing mid-level anxiety and depression.  Like with Istiblennius above, it happens sometimes for no very apparent reason.  Sometimes it has been much worse.  I feel like over the past couple of decades I've lost a cumulative total of years of work that I might otherwise have accomplished to episodes like this.  I feel like I could have accomplished so much more if only my mind was hitting consistently on all cylinders.  But I just don't have that kind of mind.  It's frustrating to have a brain that gets sick like that periodically.

I've always been thankful to have a family and other supporters who are concerned enough to pray for me and give me good words to help me through such times.  They were helping me once again through last week's relatively mild episode.  I was doing much better by week's end.  Yesterday's opportunity to get out and around on the holiday also helped.

I've come to understand the situation as what Paul of Tarsus called a "thorn in the flesh:"

"There was given to me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to mistreat me.  For this I begged the Lord three times to take it away from me.  He said to me: "My grace is enough for you; my strength is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I am well pleased with weaknesses, shortages, persecutions, and distresses for Christ's sake, for when I am weak, then I am strong."

There's a paradoxical way in which weakness can make one stronger in God.  So I guess from that perspective I get periodic workouts at unpredictable intervals.

[AmLitHist]

It must be the season for anxiety--count me in.

ALHS has knee replacement surgery tomorrow, but he's been through so many others, neither of us really gets worried anymore--he always does so much better afterwards (2 back surgeries, hip replacement, reverse shoulder replacement, various things on his feet--it's just ridiculous). I've also kind of made peace with the idea that my foot isn't healing and I'll likely need surgery to fix the broken bone; I go back next week for the x-ray and report. But if I do, I do, and I'll try to have him put it off until fall if I can.

So none of that's been particularly on my mind.  Spring went OK, and while I'd like for that third summer class to make, it probably won't, but I can still get some things done with the extra cash from just the two, so that's not particularly worrying.

I've been keeping busy prepping summer classes, working in the yard, and crocheting, and I didn't think I was anxious, but for the past three nights I've awakened to an elephant sitting on my chest (NOT Little Cat, for once!  LOL).  I didn't even try using the CPAP last night, though it's been doing fine and I adapted to it almost immediately.

I don't know WTH is going on. Clearly something's bothering me, though.  Maybe I'm not as carefree about the health issues as I think I am.  (Money is always a PitA this time of year, but I know that will resolve itself with the big OL check at the end of June.)

[Harlow2]

It must be the season for anxiety--count me in.

ALHS has knee replacement surgery tomorrow, but he's been through so many others, neither of us really gets worried anymore--he always does so much better afterwards (2 back surgeries, hip replacement, reverse shoulder replacement, various things on his feet--it's just ridiculous). I've also kind of made peace with the idea that my foot isn't healing and I'll likely need surgery to fix the broken bone; I go back next week for the x-ray and report. But if I do, I do, and I'll try to have him put it off until fall if I can

A friend remarked that once we get to a certain age, it's just patch, patch, patch!

More seriously, if you aren't just using elephant on chest metaphorically, be sure to get checked out.

Best wishes to ALHS—

[smallcleanrat]

I spent much of the past week experiencing mid-level anxiety and depression.  Like with Istiblennius above, it happens sometimes for no very apparent reason.  Sometimes it has been much worse.  I feel like over the past couple of decades I've lost a cumulative total of years of work that I might otherwise have accomplished to episodes like this.  I feel like I could have accomplished so much more if only my mind was hitting consistently on all cylinders.  But I just don't have that kind of mind.  It's frustrating to have a brain that gets sick like that periodically.

Sorry that you've been having a rough week, apl68.

I relate strongly to what you've written here. I don't have words of wisdom to share the way you've often had for me, but I do have a lot of sympathy for what you're going through.

AmLitHist, sorry that you're having a rough go of things too.

Best wishes, everybody.

[apl68]

I spent much of the past week experiencing mid-level anxiety and depression.  Like with Istiblennius above, it happens sometimes for no very apparent reason.  Sometimes it has been much worse.  I feel like over the past couple of decades I've lost a cumulative total of years of work that I might otherwise have accomplished to episodes like this.  I feel like I could have accomplished so much more if only my mind was hitting consistently on all cylinders.  But I just don't have that kind of mind.  It's frustrating to have a brain that gets sick like that periodically.

Sorry that you've been having a rough week, apl68.

I relate strongly to what you've written here. I don't have words of wisdom to share the way you've often had for me, but I do have a lot of sympathy for what you're going through.

AmLitHist, sorry that you're having a rough go of things too.

Best wishes, everybody.

Thank you, smallcleanrat.

And congratulations on nearing the dissertation finish line!

[smallcleanrat]

I spent much of the past week experiencing mid-level anxiety and depression.  Like with Istiblennius above, it happens sometimes for no very apparent reason.  Sometimes it has been much worse.  I feel like over the past couple of decades I've lost a cumulative total of years of work that I might otherwise have accomplished to episodes like this.  I feel like I could have accomplished so much more if only my mind was hitting consistently on all cylinders.  But I just don't have that kind of mind.  It's frustrating to have a brain that gets sick like that periodically.

Sorry that you've been having a rough week, apl68.

I relate strongly to what you've written here. I don't have words of wisdom to share the way you've often had for me, but I do have a lot of sympathy for what you're going through.

AmLitHist, sorry that you're having a rough go of things too.

Best wishes, everybody.

Thank you, smallcleanrat.

And congratulations on nearing the dissertation finish line!

Thanks!

I hope this week was better than the last for you.

[AmLitHist]

Thanks, SCR!  I seem to be coming out of my funk.

Also, congrats on your progress toward the degree!  You can do this!