Handling career regrets

[mamselle]

Support from someone in career counseling sounds like a good idea.

At this point, it's also possible to work with people online or on the phone as well as in person, which makes it easier if one is not in an area with a lot of resources in those areas.

M.

[Caracal]

I spent some years bitterly regretting my decision to go into a PhD program in hopes of starting a career in academia.  I regretted the six "lost" years in the program, and feared that I had ruined my prospects in life by taking the wrong career path.  It's hard not to feel that way when you see people your own age starting careers and families while you're still trying in vain to get started in life.  Then my alternate career took off, and I was able to find congenial work in a place where I wanted to live, and I was able to start seeing how my grad school education and experiences had prepared me for what I ended up doing.  So I no longer have regrets involving career decisions.

I've had other regrets involving disappointments in life that stemmed from things over which I had no control.  Some were pretty devastating disappointments.  I'm now making a concerted effort to stop feeling that way about these.  Regret of that sort does nobody any good, especially somebody who believes in the sovereignty of God and wants to place trust in God.  Trusting God involves accepting that what he wants us to have and experience is best, even when it is very different from what we wanted for ourselves.  The only way to enter the kingdom of God is to pass through much tribulation.

I have similar feelings. Perhaps that's easier for me to say because although my career hasn't turned out the way I would have envisioned or wanted, I've been lucky enough to be ok financially. I can appreciate that it might be harder to avoid the feeling that you should have done something else if you were financially reliant on a job that you weren't sure would exist in a few years.

That said, I think the idea of career regret is really centered in a very American middle and upper class idea about the role of work in life. It seems like it is often based around the assumption that everything was supposed to work out and if it doesn't, something must have gone terribly wrong and you need to hold a personal inquiry questioning and condemning the past actions that led you to this place where things are uncertain or not ideal.

[mamselle]

^ Very well put.

I'm always reminded by my European friends that they had to get used to the American tendency to ask "....and what do you do?" if that information were not conveyed when they were first introduced to someone here.

I also have to stifle the habit myself on occasion--I can usually find something interesting to talk about without having to pigeonhole someone into the potentially limited dimensionality their "job" might convey about them, but when conversation flags, it's almost as if they've decided that's the only interesting thing about themselves worth talking about and they don't know what else to say if it's not brought up.

We're just too plain work-y.

M. 

[Wahoo Redux]

I think the idea of career regret is really centered in a very American middle and upper class idea about the role of work in life. It seems like it is often based around the assumption that everything was supposed to work out and if it doesn't, something must have gone terribly wrong and you need to hold a personal inquiry questioning and condemning the past actions that led you to this place where things are uncertain or not ideal.

My father, and to a lesser extent my mother, judged their parent peer-group by the respective achievements of their children. I remember my dad pointing out Mark M----, one of my old high school classmates (then in his mid-20s) when we saw him and his wife at a pizza parlor and saying, "We work, and work, and that is what we get."  Mark, who was a year older than I was, was working at a ski resort. His father was an M.D.  When their own children started having emotional and addiction problems, they began to withdraw from their own social set.

They were both very disappointed when when I worked first for a supermarket, then a 7/11, then in a tow-truck call center, and as a billing clerk, which was a little more acceptable (I wore a tie).  When I got a job in a huge national corporation with two dedicated skyscrapers downtown my father was ecstatic; "You will LOVE it," he actually said.  My God, how I hated that.

When they finally accepted that my poor sister (R.I.P.) would never go to college, they made a qualified peace with her blue-collar lifestyle.  They were disappointed when her husband went to college to get a computer programming degree.

My first serious adult girlfriend worried that I would never make enough money to make her happy----she was prescient.  She is now married to an accountant.

I cannot unthink this mode of evaluation.

[Ruralguy]

I think you can only have true regrets *if you had choices* and think some of your choices were poor. Without choices, you are maybe complaining about your lot in life, but that's not a regret.

With that in mind, I only have mild career regrets, because its not as if I regret my actual choices (largely, I do not). I do realize that some didn't get me exactly what I wanted, but, hey. close enough!

[kaysixteen]

It is of course correct to note that there are numerous positions theoretically available in small-town libraries in this country, many of which are not consistently filled due to high turnover and recruitment difficulties.   That said,

1) Moving is not always an option, both for the candidates and for the libraries.   Like it or not, the libraries are just always not willing to bring in someone from away, who has no local ties, etc.   There are a variety of reasons for this, but that it is is pretty clear.  And having a bunch of initials after one's name, and a resume that screams 'urban coastal dweller', well...

2) I actually had an interview earlier this week for a position as a library director at a small town library in a rural community about 45 miles from here, in the neighboring state.   I almost did not apply for this job, concerned that I have inadequate tech and software skills for it, and am quite frankly surprised that they interviewed me, seeing as how the state flagship uni's library school is literally just  ten miles away.   The job does not pay very well, of course, and most of the staffers, all pt, are not professional librarians... maybe they will have to hire someone like me.  But maybe they will decide on someone who has the familiarity with the local library computer programs, but does not have the MLS.

[Ruralguy]

Well, not being able to move could possibly be true for any job, but possibly comes up for more rural ones because there will be less flexibility for a partner, or less flexibility if you are tied to a particular religious or ethnic community, etc.

K16, you are probably right about small town libraries, but it would be less true for college libraries in small towns. Being more aware of faculty interviewing culture (and some of the librarians would likely have faculty status) , there might be more willingness to open up to a national search, but only likely if they could not find anyone with a day's driving distance. But clearly one such library in a small town interviewed you anyway. So, find more like that!

[Caracal]

I think you can only have true regrets *if you had choices* and think some of your choices were poor. Without choices, you are maybe complaining about your lot in life, but that's not a regret.

With that in mind, I only have mild career regrets, because its not as if I regret my actual choices (largely, I do not). I do realize that some didn't get me exactly what I wanted, but, hey. close enough!

I find it hard to regret the big choices because the rest of my life played out within them. If I had decided not to go to grad school, At the risk of getting George Bailey on it, the last decade and a half or so of my life wouldn't have happened, and that would be a dark thing to wish for. What's the vantage point from which I could evaluate that decision?

I guess I wish there are things I had done, or that I had been able to get myself to do. I wish  past me had turned my dissertation into a book seven years ago. That isn't really a very helpful framework, however. Present Caracal wishes past Caracal had sat down and revised the manuscript because present Caracal doesn't want to do it. I don't like the idea of just ditching the whole thing, because I think there's value in it and I would like to finish the thing, but I also would like to move on to other stuff.

Regretting what I haven't done in the past is kinda pointless though. My business is with present Caracal. I could, in fact, finish the book. I could also just decide that the world will do just fine without another monograph and do something that I'm more interested in. I could decide that maybe I don't want to write any books. Feeling bad about my past laziness is probably not going to help with any of this.

[mamselle]

C'mon, just get started on the book and join us on the monthly research and writing threads.

I'm still pulling stuff out of my dissertation for articles and presentations and such, and I will still get it out in some shape or other once those are done.

I'd done so much original work (that was needed to lay the foundation for my working assumptions*) that it didn't all fit neatly into the tiny container that one of my readers was willing to see it in--the rest were fine with it and two still support my ongoing stuff--and I'm not giving up on it. I've decided some of those things needed to come out in more discrete chunks, and be commented on in the literature, first (there was little support for that process where I was at the time) so I'm doing that first, and will get to do a slimmed-down version of the diss once those are out--one is in process now; others have come out as presentations but not yet as articles.

It's still a bit of a pain to have to a) go back and read new stuff on the topic when I was pretty much up-to-speed on it at the time, just to be sure I'm not missing anything, and b) see others publishing incorrect stuff that could have been headed off at the pass if I'd been able to get my own work out at the time.

But that's apparently what I'm called to do, so I'm doing it.

If it doesn't really feel like a vocational call, that's different. But if it is, you're not going to be able to resist that call--it'll both keep poking you and encouraging you to get it done forever.

Or at least, that's my experience. 

M.

*fully grounded in the documents, but uninvestigated at that level before, so that a different, wacky narrative had taken over...that needed to be rebutted.

[apl68]

It is of course correct to note that there are numerous positions theoretically available in small-town libraries in this country, many of which are not consistently filled due to high turnover and recruitment difficulties.   That said,

1) Moving is not always an option, both for the candidates and for the libraries.   Like it or not, the libraries are just always not willing to bring in someone from away, who has no local ties, etc.   There are a variety of reasons for this, but that it is is pretty clear.  And having a bunch of initials after one's name, and a resume that screams 'urban coastal dweller', well...

2) I actually had an interview earlier this week for a position as a library director at a small town library in a rural community about 45 miles from here, in the neighboring state.   I almost did not apply for this job, concerned that I have inadequate tech and software skills for it, and am quite frankly surprised that they interviewed me, seeing as how the state flagship uni's library school is literally just  ten miles away.   The job does not pay very well, of course, and most of the staffers, all pt, are not professional librarians... maybe they will have to hire someone like me.  But maybe they will decide on someone who has the familiarity with the local library computer programs, but does not have the MLS.

Libraries, including rural libraries, are entirely prepared to bring in candidates from out of town.  I had only the most tenuous and indirect of local connections when I interviewed here.  It's in my home state, but over two hours from where I grew up (And eight hours from the big city out of state where I was then living).  Didn't know a soul here when I interviewed.  I was also far from an ideal candidate--I didn't yet have an MLS in hand (I was working on one at the time), came from an academic library background, am not the most outgoing of people, and had very limited administrative and no financial experience.  Nor was I all that well versed in IT. 

What I did have was an enthusiasm about the job and about the community that suggested I would actually like living and working here.  Small-town libraries want to see that.  They want somebody who wants to be there.  They want to give a chance to somebody who seems ready to give them a chance.  Being able to put that across will go a long way with a search committee. 

I've noticed that when you speak of interviewing anywhere, you tend to make a lot of assumptions about who you're interviewing for.  Try to keep a more open mind toward those you interview with.  They will be more likely to keep an open mind toward you in return.

[kaysixteen]

Random replies:

1) you do not sound like you were the greatest candidate for the job you have now-- why do you think they hired you?   Around here, you could not have been hired, not having the MLS in hand....

2) You nonetheless were a native of a small town in your state, so you were not exactly someone who would seem to be an 'other' to these people.

3) When I interview for a job, I am interviewing them as well.   Really, I am.   I have to be honest with them and expect them to be honest with me, which thankfully these people were.  I do not think I am exactly qualified for the position, owing to computer deficits, and remain fairly stunned that I was even interviewed (though comments made by the board chair suggests she and her colleagues were so intrigued by my very idiosyncratic resume that they really wanted to meet me).  And since they really were honest with me, I am deeply concerned with whether I have the skills to do the job.   I am also concerned about the financial situation of the library, which appears to be a semi-public, semi-private thing, with only the very most limited of public funding.

[apl68]

Random replies:

1) you do not sound like you were the greatest candidate for the job you have now-- why do you think they hired you?   Around here, you could not have been hired, not having the MLS in hand....

2) You nonetheless were a native of a small town in your state, so you were not exactly someone who would seem to be an 'other' to these people.

3) When I interview for a job, I am interviewing them as well.   Really, I am.   I have to be honest with them and expect them to be honest with me, which thankfully these people were.  I do not think I am exactly qualified for the position, owing to computer deficits, and remain fairly stunned that I was even interviewed (though comments made by the board chair suggests she and her colleagues were so intrigued by my very idiosyncratic resume that they really wanted to meet me).  And since they really were honest with me, I am deeply concerned with whether I have the skills to do the job.   I am also concerned about the financial situation of the library, which appears to be a semi-public, semi-private thing, with only the very most limited of public funding.

The fact that I was a state native and fellow small-town native was a huge asset, all right.  It was also one of the few pluses I had to bring. 

Why did they hire me?  Well, I was not their ideal candidate.  But they realized that they could not get their ideal candidate.  So they chose me. 

Honestly, this is not an ideal town.  It's rather isolated and insular, and the general level of education is low.  Ideally I'd like to live somewhere closer to family, and not a couple of hours away from the more scenic parts of the state.  I'd like to live in a place with scenic countryside, and nice historic neighborhoods to stroll through, and university campuses fairly nearby that I could visit without having to make a whole day trip of it.

But you know what?  I went here looking to find some good, warm-hearted people, and I found them.  Not perfect people, but I've never found those anywhere.  There are no perfect communities, no perfect jobs, and no perfect candidates.  The only way to get along in a world like this is to rely on God's grace and acceptance, and to extend that to each other.

You, like me, seem to have a very strong sense of right and wrong, and an acute sense of imperfection and shortcomings, both in yourself and in those around you.  That can make it hard to live in this fallen world.  But it also encourages us to not make ourselves too at home in it--to look for a better world coming.  In the meantime, we've got to put up with living here, with the people around us, and they've got to put up with us.  Relying on grace helps us to do that. 

Let others extend you some grace as well.  I'm sure they understand that they are unlikely to find their perfect candidate.  Be honest about your weaknesses, but also play up your strengths.  You've got something to offer.  Give yourself, the search committee, and God some credit--either to see that you're not suited to the job so that you don't get it, or to get the job and then be brought up to speed to handle it.

Sounds like the finances aren't as great as they need to be.  But if they're being honest with you about other things, they're probably not hiding even worse financial problems, so there is that. 

You do well to go into interviews with both eyes open.  And yet that doesn't mean you can't and shouldn't be hopeful.

[mamselle]

1) you do not sound like you were the greatest candidate for the job you have now-- why do you think they hired you?   Around here, you could not have been hired, not having the MLS in hand....

This is patently not true. I know of three local librarians who were either working on, or had only just started, their MLS degrees and were hired. One was already working in the (university) library and was urged to apply for the job and to start their MLS work at the same time. So, a known, valued quantity.

One was a children's librarian who had to travel to the only place in the area where the MLS was being offered (two other programs having been shut down), had experience, and had volunteered at the (public, multi-branch) library, so was also both known and valued; she also had background in other areas that made her a good candidate (performed/did story-time discussions as a free-lancer, etc.)

The other had held the position (at another, outlying town library) before all the requirements were upgraded to include MLS degrees; they were in the process of getting theirs, and the manager wanted to keep them, and the library board had no problem with it, so they stayed on and learned on the job.

It's important not to generalize from one's own experience, or extrapolate, using inaccurate assumptions, to scenarios that provide alternative explanations for not being chosen in a given setting. Sorry, but it really might not be them, and it's important not to present as someone who goes in with a chip on their shoulder and then blames the rest of the world when they don't want to deal with that added baggage.

M.

[little bongo]

Many life regrets, and they grow exponentially. But not so many career regrets--there was just this place where opportunity, strengths, and limitations all met on the graph at a particular point.

[mamselle]

Oh, another couple of suggestions someone gave me once:

a) It's not success, it's satisfaction that matters (this may have been from a Pendle Hill publication, maybe by Parker Palmer?).

b) Change your "should haves" to "could haves"--i.e., recognize (in the words of an article I saw the other day) that they were simply morally neutral options  and you chose one and not the other--and go on.

Basically, it keeps coming back to the "...and go on..." thing.

M.